7 reasons why the royal wedding WILL happen, or else..

I recently had someone find my blog using the search term 'reasons why the royal wedding should not happen'. Given that there are only a few weeks until the wedding, this a strange thing to search for. Not that it isn't possible the royal wedding could be cancelled but I think it's unlikely. To reassure those who might be worried, I've decided to counter this question with 7 reasons why the royal wedding WILL happen.

1) The tea towels have been prepared, along with other tacky souvenirs

Flashback 1981: Andrew Morton's book, Diana a True Story, page 64. Diana recalls that during lunch with her sisters she discussed backing out and they replied 'Bad luck Duch' (family nickname), 'Your face is on the tea-towels so you're too late to chicken out now.'  30 years later those words still ring true.

2) We are expecting it happen, therefore it MUST happen

Think of the chaos that would ensue should William, or Kate decide - 'nah, not for me' and bail. CNN would have to pull the 400 reporters and crew they have sent to the wedding. Twitter and royal message boards would fire up, eviscerating those responsible. The UFOs would have to find intelligent life elsewhere. The universe would cave in on itself....

3) The Republican movement needs this wedding

Believe it or not, the republican movement likes the royal wedding. Why? Because it illustrates the excess that the royal family is famous for. With no royal wedding they have no bandwagon to jump on. Then what would they do with their royal wedding mugs?

4) The Royal Family does not need more bad publicity

It's true. They may not even survive the fallout from it. This could be the biggest crisis the royal family has ever had to deal with. Abdication crisis? Big deal. Camillagate - who cares? Diana's death - minor roadblock. It must go ahead, if only to save face.

5) What would royal bloggers and royal watchers (Read: ME) discuss?

Royal blogs do not update themselves, they need material. Without material there is nothing to write about. Once I've we've milked this topic from every conceivable angle for six months, what else would there be to discuss? If there is no wedding then I we cannot predict when the royal divorce will occur. All of the potential topics will be gone. I would We'd have to wait for someone to die in order to recover from the ordeal..

6) Prince William and Kate Middleton would never live it down

There's nothing like dumping your intended at the altar to destroy your reputation. Makes for passably good Rom-Coms, but in reality it's a different story. If Prince William ditches Kate then Prince Harry might just have to step up to the plate. His face is already on the souvenir mug. Instead of seeing this as a mistake, it could be remarkably prescient.

7) We deserve a happy ending

We have waited a long time for this wedding. Endured mystified looks from our friends. Bought overpriced, official commemorative items (See #1). We've followed the torturous ups, downs and tabloid invented close-calls. Our dedication to paying attention to gossipy news stories must be rewarded, damnit!

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.

Is Prince William's hair destroying the monarchy?

The monarchy is facing its biggest crisis to date and they're powerless to do anything to prevent it. They didn't see it coming. Who would have thought it could ever happen? It started about five years ago, slowly chipping away at the the very foundation the monarchy prides itself on.

Its good looks.

Everything they hold sacred as the arbiters of style is at risk. Thank goodness for Kate Middleton. Her long, glossy locks will shore up the ranks. But for now the royals are in trouble. A recent poll showed that Britons want Charles as king instead of William. No wonder. Charles has more hair than William. Coincidence? I think not.

Who is ultimately to blame for William's hair? Diana's father, Earl Spencer was balding therefore it must be her fault. She has obviously done more damage to the monarchy than first thought. Luckily Prince Harry inherited genes from his father otherwise there would be no hope left for the monarchy as we know it. Enter the republican movement at stage right.

The media is already asking tough questions on whether Prince William is losing his appeal. Where's a celebrity scandal when you need it? Isn't there a disaster in another country? No, this is just too big an issue. We cannot ignore reality even if the royal family wants us to. If only there was a big event with lots of pagentry to distract us from the inevitable. So we can celebrate while we still have reason to.

On his wedding day, all eyes will be on Prince William. After all, he is the future of the monarchy. Billions of people watching the gradual demise of the royal family. This could get depressing. Let's hope William's uniform comes with a hat.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Note: This article is meant to be satirical. I think Prince William looks perfectly fine. :) Kate Middleton is a lucky woman who obviously loves him and her opinion is the only one that counts in this respect.

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 20

On the last episode of The Royal and the Clueless, Enrique tried to convince Kate that an engagement would never happen. He threatened to quit and because his character no longer served a useful purpose, his resignation was accepted. With an engagement having been announced, Prince William & Kate Middleton, err..Catherine make wedding plans in earnest. They are currently reviewing the music selections.

Prince William: I really like Snoop Dog's song..

Catherine: I think Elton would be a better choice. You do want your mother to be a part of our day, don't you?

Prince William: Yes, but we can't go overboard. You're already wearing her dress, which you'll look beautiful in. I...errr...Mummy would be so happy!

Catherine: Do you think they'll be pleased?

Prince William: Who darling?

Catherine: Everyone, of course!

Prince William: What do you mean by 'everyone'?

Catherine: All of the people who are waiting for details about our wedding. People all over the world. Everyone wants to know.

Prince William: True, it's cruel to keep them waiting for information isn't it?

Catherine: Sometimes I feel so bad...

Prince William: There, there darling. Everyone must understand how stressful this is to you.

Catherine: The ring, the engagement pictures, our interview...we can't seem to please everyone

Prince William: We can't give up, we must keep trying!

Despite resigning in the last episode, Enrique mysteriously appears out of nowhere

Enrique: You do realize that not everyone cares about you, right?

Prince William looks around for servants and realizes he doesn't have any

Prince William: How did you get in here?

Enrique: the plot was meandering, I couldn't help myself

Enrique thumbs his nose at Marilyn as she writes this episode. A stapler materializes and Enrique winces at the memory.  Catherine doesn't notice it. Yet.

Catherine: But everyone must care. It can't be that there are people who don't care about us?

Catherine starts sobbing. William tries to comfort her.

Enrique: (exasperated) You're not the centre of the universe you know!

Prince William: Yes, we know, Charlotte Church is. Everyone knows that.

Catherine: (looks perturbed) Yes, that's why we announced more wedding details. Everyone will be so pleased!

Prince William: Brilliant plan darling

Enrique: (muttering under his breath) Has everyone lost their minds?

The stapler mysteriously inches closer to Enrique

Catherine: (frowning) What did you say?

Prince William: Never mind him darling...we must get back to work..everyone is waiting..

Can William and Catherine please everyone? Is everyone really waiting for details? Will Enrique take the hint? Will Catherine notice the stapler? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless

 © Marilyn Braun 2010

Why Prince William & Kate Middleton's engagement is a second best royal news story

Not to sound ungrateful.

I am extremely happy that Prince William and Kate Middleton have just announced their engagement to the world and put all of us out of our will-he/won't-he/should-she misery.

But, I feel a tad unsatisfied with this royal  news story. Sure it has all of the elements of romance and the elusive happily ever after. The afterglow will carry me for a week or so until the news dies down. We can now look forward to months and months of speculation, waiting for the wedding date announcement and then the wedding itself. It's almost agonizing in its lack of immediateness.

This is quite the contrast to the ultimate royal news story: death.

Yes, the great royal leveller. A royal death news story has a lot of advantages. It's immediate, occasionally unsurprising and filled more intense emotion depending on where he/she was on the royal food chain. For instance, say someone who is 355th in line to the throne will not elicit the same interest as, what I like to call a Royal Big 5 death. Who is on that list? The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Charles, Prince William and Prince Harry. When any of them die I know who I would buy souvenirs for.

When one of them dies there will be massive coverage and it will be immediate. Given the time-sensitivity of the occasion, this event cannot, unfortunately, be drawn out. It would be inappropriate. There will be no months upon months of waiting. If two or more of them die it could be extremely interesting to discuss what precedence the coffins will enter Westminster Abbey in. See? How much more interesting this coverage is?

Unlike death, royal weddings are a more difficult event to relate to. After all, we all die, right? Most of us will never wear tiaras, ride in glass carriages or have a golden page in the history books. It's enough to make you jealous. See, that doesn't happen with death now does it? No one gets jealous so we bypass that emotion altogether.

Like royal weddings we also see commemorative souvenirs. But better. I can't think of the last time I saw royal death tankards at a garage sale. Commemorative royal death mugs are different in the amount of guilt involved in throwing them away. They're an investment you can sell on eBay. Unlike royal wedding china, which you can't give away because there's so much of it.

Those souvenirs will have to wait. The reality is, we have a royal wedding to look forward to.

I guess it's better than nothing.

© Marilyn Braun 2010

Kate Middleton sends her regrets

I'm a young, tall and beautiful woman who has been dating a prince for several years. My problem is that I'm having difficulty trying to live up to every single persons expectations about how I should behave/act/work/dress. Currently people are complaining that I didn't reply to an invitation to a charity function. How can I handle this situation in the future.

Dear modest princess-in-waiting,

This must be a difficult situation for you. How to graciously decline various invitations sent or not sent to you. You can't win, can you? There's only so much time in the day, better spent asking me for advice. It's almost as if you're the only 'young, tall, beautiful woman who has been dating a prince for several years' who has ignored an invitation. Come to think of it, you are.

However, having pointed that out, you're not the only person in the whole entire world who has ignored, backtracked or come up with some clever excuse to decline an invitation - [ahem, YOU know who YOU are]. There are many ways to creatively decline: you could claim illness, a sudden death of a beloved pet, or a previous (read: more interesting) engagement. For instance:

'I cannot attend because I'm unwell due to the death of my beloved pet and missing the funeral would look insensitive'

Add the word 'devastated' and you may get some flowers and a casserole out of it to boot.

Anyhoo, according to Google search results, proper etiquette states that you should, at minimum, acknowledge the invitation. This will, hopefully avoid those vindictive, do-gooder, charitable-types who sell their story to the press. Acknowledging could have bought you some time and it would have made you look good. As well, it would have deflected attention away from your parents X-Factor debacle. Where is Uncle Gary when you need him?

Remember, you are never safe from public opinion and you really should have known better. You can only coast on the wave of an imaginative wedding hat for so long. 

© Marilyn Braun 2010

Diagnosis: Kate Middleton fever

You may recognize the signs immediately: hyperventilation, excessive use of Twitter, and jump-on-the-bandwagon blog posts such as this one.

If you experience any of these symptoms, you may have Kate Middleton fever. If the photograph at left sends you into paroxysms of joy, you definitely have Kate Middleton fever.

This fever is not in itself fatal although people around you may want to take caution. If you, or someone you know experiences this fever, it is wise to keep as calm as possible. If you are pregnant, nursing, have a heart condition or a peanut allergy, extra caution is advised.

Many events can trigger symptoms. Articles in the Daily Mail, tabloid cover stories, recent photos of Kate Middleton, or even articles about Kate's family. If Prince William is photographed with her then you're symptoms are likely to be more acute. There is no need to head to your closest emergency room, the fever will eventually subside until the next round of photographs appears.

This fever is likely to strike at various times of the year, usually in waves. Starting in January on Kate's birthday, the rumors continue, leading up to the festive season. The unsubstantiated, conflicting rumors can occur daily or even weekly at their peak. For your own safety and the safety of those around you, it is advisable to refrain from using computer/hand-held devices and operating heavy machinery. Avoid grocery-lines and book store shelves. As well, fresh air and brisk outdoor activity is also recommended.

Treatment:

Take with regular grains of salt

© Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 19

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Prince William caught girlfriend Kate Middleton in Enrique's clutches. In an effort to avoid future awkward situations, Enrique was sent on a global tour to promote awareness of the lack of Party Supplies in Third World Countries. Enrique, recently returned from his tour, demoralized but with a thicker skin, tries to avoid Kate - to no avail.

Enrique: (*sigh*) Bono refused to meet with me

Kate: You think you have problems!

Enrique notes that Kate is pouting. Her mother Carole sits beside Kate, consoling her.

Enrique: What is it now?

Kate: (whimpering) William (*sob*) says (*sob*) his 'whole heart is with the Army' (*sob*)

Enrique smolders as he considers this new development

Carole: Nothing to fret about dear.

Carole suddenly visibly brightens

Carole: The word 'Army' must be code for Kate!

Enrique shakes his head

Kate: Oh Mummy, what will I do?

Carole: You'll just have to take a different approach, that's all.

Carole thinks for a moment and comes up with an idea.

Carole: We'll have to put you in camouflage!

Enrique: What?

Carole: They wear camouflage in the Army, right?

Enrique: Well, yes but..

Kate: Oh that's a brilliant idea!

Carole: We'll get you all kitted out! Vest, helmet, machine gun, the works!

Kate, looks hopeful. Enrique looks anxious. He rubs the scar from the stapler incident in episode 7

Enrique: Mrs Middleton?

Carole (gathering momentum): We'll sign you up for tank driving lessons!

Kate: Yes, Mummy! yes!!

Enrique kneels before Kate and takes her hands in his.

Enrique: Kate, do you think this is a sign?

Kate: A sign of what?

Enrique: You've given up everything, you've taken voice lessons and still...

Carole: (firmly) Never mind! I will not give up! It will be worth it in the end!

Kate: (confused) What?

Enrique: (delicately) Kate, maybe it's time to face reality?

Carole: Don't give up now Kate! The prize is in sight!

Enrique: No, Kate, don't...

Kate looks from her mother to Enrique, unsure of what to do next. Carole helps Kate to her feet and leads Kate away.

Carole: Kate, maybe Daddy can give you flying lessons....

Enrique gets up slowly and sighs

Enrique: I quit

Will Enrique really quit when there's so much potential in the storyline? Does Kate look good in camouflage? Will she learn how to drive a tank? Will she finally face reality?

Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2010

Keep calm in the face of Prince William and Kate Middleton engagement rumors

I would advise everyone to stay calm and remain seated. Resist the urge to go to your nearest store and buy the latest issue of OK magazine with William and Kate on the cover. Slowly take your hand away from your purse/wallet. Ignore your Google alerts about an upcoming announcement in November and don't read too much into Kate's no-show at Gatcombe Park, where William demonstrated his prowess by taking photos with his phone.

These stories are just red-herrings because there is no real news about William and Kate (Oh, where is Tina Brown when I need her to illustrate my point?). We can be forgiven for jumping to conclusions, scoffing at these stories while reading every word. After all, what else is there to do?

But as you resist, you become stronger. Capable of reading between the lines of William and Kate stories.  For instance:

1) William and Kate photographed together in actual close physical contact/appearing together at a significant event (Read: They're still together. Phew!)

2)  William and Kate in close proximity looking serious. (Read: Not a good sign, but at least they're in the same frame)

3) Kate smiling enigmatically on the cover of Hello! (Read: Hello! is grasping at straws). There could be any number of reasons why Kate is smiling. It's a facial expression she'll have to lose when she marries into the royal family.

4) William or Kate photographed in separate situations - he at Gatcombe Park, she carrying mysterious rolls of paper while looking determined. (Read: Going about their lives as separate individuals. Or Kate has diagrams of Gatcombe Park to infiltrate the event. She failed.)

5) The cover of OK/Star Magazine showing pictures of William and Kate, with the headlines 'A Wedding Just Like Diana's!' or 'William & Kate's $40 Million Wedding of the Century!'    (Read: Nuff said!)

6) Stories about Kate working. (Read: Don't insult our intelligence)

7) Kate pregnant with William's baby (Read: Don't start knitting just yet)

8) Kate cheating on William (Read: Well, can you really blame her?)

9) William and Kate are related (Read: No worries. Keeping it in the family is a royal family tradition)

10) Specific predictions for engagement announcements and wedding dates (Read: Someone is using the Magic 8 ball again)

© Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 18

On the last episode of The Royal and The Clueless, Kate Middleton and her smouldering co-worker Enrique went shopping in the hopes of getting Prince William's attention. Kate, left behind on William's tour of New Zealand and Australia, follows the coverage intently, especially after William makes a telling remark. Kate rushes over to Enrique with the newspaper in hand.

Kate: Look Enrique, William accepted gifts for me from the crowd! And when one woman asked him whether he would be getting married soon he said 'Wait and See'! Oh, let's go shopping for a wedding dress!

Delighted, Kate twirls around and looks off into the dreamy distance as Enrique continues reading.

Enrique: Wait. A day later William was asked what he wanted for lunch and he said 'wait and see'.

Kate: Well, he's always been somewhat indecisive. But he still said 'wait and see' for marriage plans...

Enrique: You mean he can't even decide what he wants for lunch?

Kate: Yes, sometimes it's best not to give William too many choices. He tends to get overwhelmed. One time, we went out to a club and he couldn't decide what he wanted to drink. We didn't get out of there until 2:00AM.

Enrique: And you actually want to marry this guy?

Kate looks anxious, her brow furrowed and her lips forming a pout.

Kate: He has to make up his mind at some point..this can't go on forever...can it?

Enrique gets up and goes to Kate, holding her close.

Enrique: You deserve better, Kate. Run away with me, you know you want to.

Just then Prince William comes to Kate's home bearing gifts he was given on his tour. He sees Kate in Enrique's clutches.

William: Kate!

Kate: William!

Enrique: Kate!

Kate looks at William and then at Enrique, then back at William.

Will Kate be forced to choose between William and Enrique? Will Enrique be written out for making things too complicated...

Enrique: Hey....

Wait and see on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless

© Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 17

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Kate took speech lessons from Enrique and broke out into song. During her lessons, engagement speculation reached fever pitch, yet William had not proposed. On this episode Kate, frustrated with a lack of engagement, decides to take a different approach.

Kate: I've tried everything, and William still hasn't proposed. I've taken up hunting, canoodled by dead pheasants, shown an interest in his polo even though I'm allergic to horses...

Enrique: Wearing the cardboard sign didn't work?

Kate: No, he's still trying to read it.

Enrique nodded, perplexed. William obviously isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer but he should be able to read. He thought for a moment rubbing the perfectly trimmed stubble on his chin. Suddenly an idea came to him. No, it couldn't work. It's too simple. Even for William. Enrique mulls it over and starts to warm to the idea.

Enrique: Have you tried wearing the color blue?

Kate: What?

Enrique: The color blue. You're attending a wedding aren't you? You should wear a blue outfit. You can accessorize it with shiny objects. That will get his attention!

Kate: That is a brilliant idea!

Enrique grabs Kate's hand and takes her shopping. 10 stores later, Kate finally comes out of the change room and models the outfit she's chosen. She twirls around in a gray blue dress pleased with herself.

Kate: What do you think?

Enrique (shaking his head): That's Wallis blue. It might remind him of the abdication.

Kate goes to try another dress on. She comes out wearing baby blue.

Enrique: No, that might be too much pressure on him. Wear that once the ring is on your finger.

Kate: Why does the dress have to be blue? Why not purple?

Enrique: Purple is the color of royalty. They might think that you're getting too ahead of yourself. Stay away from all purples.

Kate goes and changes into another dress, this time in royal blue.

Enrique, smouldering and intense, walks over to Kate. He takes her into his arms and looks deeply into her eyes, his face inches from hers. When he speaks his voice now sounds like Antonio Banderas.

Enrique: If I were William (Enrique pauses for effect). I would propose on the spot.

A few days later at the wedding. William comes up to Kate and leans in to kiss her. He stops and looks her up and down.

William: Wow, shiny objects!

Can Prince William stop staring at Kate's shiny objects? Does he have competition in the smouldering form of Enrique? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 16

On the last episode of The Royal and The Clueless, Kate Middleton vowed to make better use of her time. Recently recorded speaking in public for the first time, Kate decides to work on her enunciation with her co-worker Enrique.

Kate: Do you think I sounded okay on that YouTube video?

Enrique: Darling, you did a great job. I can hear you thanking small children for posies in that voice. But there's still work to do. Let's begin: "The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain.."

Kate: The rine in spine sties minely in the pline

Enrique: It's 'the *rain* in *Spain* stays *mainly* in the *plain*.

Kate: Didn't ah sy that?

Enrique: (sighs) Kate, you speak as well as you roller-skate. Now I want you to say it fifty times until you get it.

3 days later

Kate: The rine in spine sties minely in the pline..

Enrique slaps the palm of his hand to his forehead in frustration.

Enrique: No, no, no..the *rain* in *Spain*...

2 Weeks Later

Kate: The rine in..

Enrique (with exaggerated calm): Kate, you must work on this. A lady speaks properly. If you work hard you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, have lots to eat, and money to buy lots of chocolates. We shall take you to Buckingham Palace, beautifully dressed. If the Queen finds out you're not a lady, you will be taken to the Tower of London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other wannabe royal girlfriends. But if you are not found out you shall have a golden page in the history books. Now let's try it again. 'The..

Kate: Rain in...

Enrique: By George I think she's got it! Where does it rain?

Kate (sings): On the plain..on the plain!

Enrique winces at her singing.

Enrique: And where is that plain?

Kate: (sings) In Spain, in Spain

Enrique: I think you've got it. But seriously, stop singing.

Can Enrique get Kate to stop singing? Will she learn how to speak better than she roller-skates? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

Survivor Balmoral - Day 35

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

On the last episode of Survivor Balmoral, Paul Burrell, the only one who knew how to cook and entertain royally, unexpectedly left the tribe. Chaos ensued as the tribe members, hungrily eyed each other. On this episode the remaining members of tribe Saxe Coburg Gotha sit satiated around the campfire. The Queen approaches the group and they all stand up.

The Queen: Have you seen the corgi's?

The other tribe members look around innocently. Edward stops knawing on a bone. Charles dabs his mouth with a napkin.

Edward: Mummy, would you like a rib?

The Queen: Where's Andrew and Anne?

Charles: I guess they just couldn't handle it. Survival of the fittest Mummy.

Anne enters carrying some more firewood

Anne: Must I do all of the work around here?

The Queen: Well, if you see Andrew please let him know that I was looking for him. I need some help with my Wii.

Meanwhile, during the dessert making challenge, Prince William is trying to plan a small birthday party for his grandfather, Prince Philip who will be 88 soon. He is currently in the carpenters shed and looks for some supplies to make a birthday cake. He finds some sawdust and what appears to be a stale bag of marshmallows and fashions a crude mound. Proud of himself he heads towards the door, which he has cleverly wedged open with an open crate containing a box of cake mix, a carton of eggs, bottled water and two cake pans. Prince Philip and the Queen wait to taste-test. William puts the cake down infront of them. The Queen looks at it warily.

Prince William (Proudly): I made it myself!

Prince Philip: It's...very interesting...what does it have in it?

Prince William: Marshmallows!

The Queen (whispering to Philip): We don't have any marshmallows.

In another part of the castle Prince Charles and Princess Anne are busy with the IKEA challenge. They must put together a rectangular plastic coffee table with 4 screw-in legs. Charles reads the instructions.

Charles: (Amazed) It says you don't need any tools for this.

Anne: That sounds too easy. Why would they give us something that easy? Are they trying to trick us?

Both look apprehensively at the 5 pieces.

Charles (looks around desperately) Help!!

Later on, at tribal council, the Queen gathers the remaining members of the tribe. She looks around and mentally does a headcount.

The Queen: Has anyone seen Andrew?

Charles and Edward look nervously at each other. Just then, the missing corgi appears.

The Queen (delighted): Oh there's my lost corgi!

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral, the Queen searches for Prince Andrew while the remaining tribe members help put the coffee table together.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

The Royal and The Clueless - Episode 15

On this episode of The Royal and The Clueless, Kate sits at her desk at work. She has just finished listening to her favorite podcast - The Royal Report. Kate thoughtfully ponders the topic of the recent show - Why are people so fascinated by Kate Middleton? She starts searching on the Internet for the answer when Enrique, still smouldering, comes up behind her.

Enrique: What are you doing?

Kate: Marilyn did a great episode this week called Why are we so fascinated by Kate Middleton? And I started thinking. Why are people so fascinated with me? So I'm just looking for some answers. I want to understand it better.

Enrique: What have you found so far?

Kate: Well there's this blog which is discussing the topic intelligently. But now I've found this forum...

Enrique: Wow, do those forum* members have lives?

Kate: *Sigh* I don't know. I don't understand. They've never met me yet they hate me so much...

Enrique: Hmmm...What does it say there?

Kate: It says they want me dead.

Enrique: They can't possibly be serious?

Kate: It must be a figure of speech.

Enrique: No, I don't think so. They must not know the definition of the word dead.

He grabs a dictionary and starts to read

Enrique: 'Having lost life, no longer alive..no longer in existence'

Kate: Do you think they're jealous?

Enrique: They say they aren't but obviously they doth protest too much. I guess they don't know the definition of that word either?

Enrique flips to the definition of jealous.

Enrique: 'Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness'. It looks like they really enjoy bashing you..page after page..entire threads devoted to bashing you..

Kate: I guess I'm not the only one without a job

Enrique: Ain't that the TRUTH!

On the next episode of The Royal and The Clueless, Kate decides to make better use of her time.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

* Any similarity to any particular forum threads is purely a coincidence.

Royal News Generator

Recently we've had a slow news week. It happens at the best of times. The royals can't be interesting all the time and I'm sure that they relish the break from our unrelenting scrutiny. In the interim, while we're waiting for them to do something, I've decided to come up with a trusty royal news generator to create your own stories (just like the tabloids do). Hours upon hours of fun should ensue as you go through each interesting possibility. The royals had better watch their backs. With this tool nothing is sacred.

Enjoy!

Choose a Royal Prince Charles The Queen Prince Philip Prince William Prince Harry Princess Michael Prince Andrew Prince Edward
Princess Anne
Fergie


Is Has Wants Needs

Choose a Problem/Issue In Love
Furious
Jealous
Lonely Seething Parental Approval Disappointed Jealous Amused Not Amused Incandescent with rage Having an affair To be a Super Hero
Join the Circus



With In Because Because of

Choose a person Chelsy Davy Kate Middleton
Prince Harry
Prince William
Princess Michael
Prince Philip
Camilla The Ghost of Diana Mohammed Al Fayed Paul Burrell Ingrid Seward David Starkey
Nicholas Witchell
Penny Junor
James Whittaker

Of With
Is Because Because They Because they're
Has

Choose a reason Enjoy their writing Hate their writing Make better Jam Won't go away Hungry for power Desperate Curious Always harbored feelings
Extremely glossy hair Doesn't have enough hair Having a baby Getting engaged

Which will result in

Choose a result An epic Constitutional Crisis worse than Edward VIII in 1936 The Queen Abdicating A Shotgun Wedding The continuation of the Windsor Dynasty The End of the Monarchy
Interesting Reading
A make or break vacation
A Reality Show Conspiracy Theories A Media Field Day Nothing

Royal Watchers Are

Choose what they're doing In a tizzy Blogging Bemused Stunned Shocked Fervently Discussing

And Predicting

Choose a Prediction The End of the Monarchy

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 10

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate worked hard at looking as though she was working hard. No sooner had everyone fallen for her ruse then she received news that she might have to wait several years longer for an engagement to Prince William. Kate is in a heightened state of anxiety and goes to talk to the uncredited co-worker now demanding credit.

Kate: I've just found out I might have to wait another eight years!

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: You still don't get it do you?

Kate: Get what?

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles ov....

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: My name is Enrique! To the person writing this episode, I think they get it now so knock it off!

The person writing this episode: My name is Marilyn

The formerly uncredited co-worker who calls himself Enrique: Okay Marilyn, I think they get it!

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (reducing the font size to illustrate regret) Sorry..

The formerly uncredited co-worker who calls himself....

The formerly uncredited co-worker who calls himself Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) Can you just call me Enrique? And can you just call yourself Marilyn?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) But how are people supposed to know who you're talking to? It's not like I'm in the room with you.

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode): True, but still...

Kate: (To Enrique) Who are you talking to?

Enrique and Marilyn, as she writes this episode: Nevermind.

Kate: (forlorn) How much longer do I need to wait?

Enrique: The news reports say eight years

Kate: How long is that?

Enrique stares blankly at Kate.

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) You've got to be kidding right? First the stapler, now this?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: It's an unexpected plot twist.

Enrique: (To Marilyn, she she writes this episode) Kind of predictable actually. This is the best you can come up with?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) Who's writing this episode? Are you?

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) No, but..

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) Do you want credit or not?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode gives Enrique nothing to say so he is silent.

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) That's what I thought. Now stick with the plotline.

Enrique: (to Kate) *Sigh* Do you know...how to count..to...eight?

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (to Enrique) As if you mean it

Enrique: (to Marilyn, as she writes this episode) But she can't possibly be that...

Marilyn, as she writes this episode: (To Enrique) There are people who think she is..

Enrique: (To Marilyn, as she writes this episode) I wouldn't say that, maybe desperate, scheming, but not that..

Kate: I'm what?..Who are you talking to?

Will Kate ever figure it out? Will Enrique ever realize he's not writing this episode? Can Enrique and Marilyn, as she writes this episode put aside their artistic and creative differences? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 9

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate prematurely auditioned potential protection officers without success . The front runner, Frank Farmer decided to ditch the security guard gig and go on tour instead. In a rare flash of insight Kate decided something must be done about her image. Upon the suggestion of her mother and a female co-worker who is attractive but not too attractive as to draw attention away from Kate, she poses for a photograph that if you scroll past all of the adorable children, will be put "discreetly" at the bottom of the main website page. As the photographer sets up, Kate is practicing her poses in front of the uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit.

Kate: Do you think I should smile or look serious?

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: Let's see. Show me what you've been working on so far.

Kate smiles. A strategically placed light catches her glossy hair.

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: I think you need to lose the light. Now serious but with an air of professionalism about you.

Kate looks serious as she sees the lawyer, manager and agent for the Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit.

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: I still don't think you understand. How about spontaneously showing teeth?

In slow motion Kate throws her head back and gives her best overpriced sonic electric toothbrush commercial smile

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: Too Farrah Fawcett posing for her famous swimsuit poster circa 1976.

Kate: (furrowing her brow while looking confused) Who is Farrah Fawcett?

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: *Sigh* Never mind. Now look as though you've been pleasantly interrupted at work by someone who just happens to be walking by with a camera.

Kate picks up the stapler and smiles, mouth open mid sentence as if she had just been in the process of demonstrating how a stapler works.

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: You still don't get it do you?

Kate stares blankly and pouts

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: No that just won't do. Now the scheming girlfriend of the heir to the throne.

Kate gives her best Cheshire grin

Uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit: Perfect!

Will Kate ever get the look right? Will the uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who is now demanding credit, ever get credit? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 8

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate, frustrated with William's continuing inability to commit to a wedding date, inadvertently injured one of her co-workers. She narrowly escaped injury herself during a 70's themed roller disco charity event. Kate took a tumble and fell on her back. Caught in limbo with nothing better to do with her time, Kate decides to audition police officers for her royal role should William make up his mind. A man named Frank Farmer, who bears a striking resemblance to Kevin Costner (circa 1992) in his role from The Bodyguard, which won a Brit award for Best Soundtrack, comes into the room.

Kate: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Kevin Costner?

Frank: This is my disguise.

Kate: And why do you think you have what it takes to protect me?

Frank: Well, I know how to roller-skate and I can stop a stapler at 20 paces.

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who has just returned to work: Phew!

Kate, still wearing roller-skates carefully rolls over to him and slips. Frank effortlessly catches her and looks deeply into her eyes. Kate also looks deeply into his eyes and starts to sing.

Kate: I will always love you...ooooh...I will always love you...

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who has just returned to work: Thank goodness it wasn't a charity karaoke event.

Frank (trying to remain businesslike): Ma'am this is neither the time or the place for songs. Unless of course I have the job, in which case I'm a countertenor.

The injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who has just returned to work stands up, brow furrowed, and looks over at Frank. He approaches Frank and starts to sing the lyrics to All I Ask Of You from Andrew Lloyd Webber's adaptation of Phantom of the Opera, the longest running Broadway musical in history.

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over who has just returned to work: No more talk of darkness,Forget these wide-eyed fears, I'm here, nothing can harm you my words will warm and calm you. Let me be your freedom, let daylight dry your tears.I'm here with you, beside you,to guard you and to guide you...

Frank: Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime...Say you need me with you now and always...Promise me that all you say is true, that's all I ask of you...

Kate sits down at her desk and reaches for her stapler.

Did Frank get the job? Will Kate ever figure out how to use a stapler for its intended purpose? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 7

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate was torn between getting the stapler to work vs being at William's beck and call. In a fit of frustration she tosses the stapler across the office. A distant "oww" can be heard a few cubicles over. It's 9:30AM and she's just gotten off the phone with Prince William, who has made an idle threat to find someone else, ultimately rooted in a deep seated insecurity yet to be explored through therapy. She's crying and decides to call Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsy Davy.

Kate: *Sob* William wants to *sob* put *sob* our *sob* wedding plans *sob* on *sob* hold.

Chelsy: So what else is new? What is it now?

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cublicles over: I think I'm bleeding

Kate: *Sob* William says he wants to focus on his RAF career. *sob* He puts his chopper above all else. If I'd known that there would be three of us in this relationship...

Chelsy: *Sigh* Like I said in Episode 4 you need to like make yourself scarce. Like leave the country, make William, like, chase after you.

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over: Can someone take me to the doctor?

Kate: Maybe if I'd just gone with William...if only I hadn't decided to get some of my self-respect back by working...none of this would have happened...*sob*

Chelsy: No wonder people call you "Waity-Katy"

Kate: It's Catherine!

Chelsy: Whatever. You like need to figure things out. What about a different career? Maybe, like, interior design?

Kate dries her eyes, which unlike normal women whose eyes would still be puffy, now look perfect. A thud is heard as the injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over, who has lost a lot of blood, falls to the ground.

Kate: You're right Chelsy. As God is my witness, as God as my witness, they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again....I'll go home. And I'll think of some way to get him back. After all... tomorrow is another day.

Chelsy: Whatever, Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler..

Kate: It's Catherine!

Will Kate run with Chelsy's career suggestion? Will she check to make sure that it's okay to quote copyrighted text from the classic 1939 movie, Gone with the Wind based on the 1936 novel of the same name by Margaret Mitchell? Will someone ever call an ambulence for the injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 6

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Kate Middleton unsuccessfully tried to change her name to Catherine on all previous and future episode posts. In meltdown mode the Queen realized that Kate needs a job to fill her time. After mounting public pressure, and the Queen's invervention, Kate has finally settled down into a job working for her parents company. Satisfied to get everyone off her back, Kate gets to work. It's 9:00AM. Her brow furrows as she tries to figure out how the stapler works. The phone rings and Kate picks it up. Prince William is on the line.

William: Darling, what are you up to?

Kate: I'm at the office. Some of the office equipment just isn't working, I might have to call the repair person. I didn't know this could be so tiring.

William: Well, don't worry about that. Say, what are you doing in 2010?

Kate checks her schedule. It's fully booked with shopping and parties.

Kate: I'm sorry but I'm all booked up

William: Well, clear your schedule because, we're getting engaged!!

Kate: You've said that in 2005, 2006 and 2007 and we're still not engaged.

William: But by 2010 and I will have made up my mind. I'm sure of it.

Kate: I don't know William...

William: Let's go on vacation and talk about it!

Kate: William, I have important work to do.

William: Well, drop it and let's go!

Kate: I can't William. I just can't.

William: (growing petulant) As your boyfriend, future king and possible husband once I make up my mind, I command you to drop everything and do my bidding.

Kate: Don't you remember what granny said?

William: Don't worry about her, she's too busy planning for the State visit to Slovenia

Kate: But I do worry. We need her permission. Royal marriages are regulated by two statutes: the Act of Settlement (1701), and the Royal Marriages Act (1772). The 1701 Act of Settlement laid down that neither a Catholic nor a person marrying a Catholic could come to the throne. The Royal Marriages Act provides that the marriage of any lineal descendant of George II is invalid unless Royal consent has first been obtained. However, if the Sovereign does not give consent, a member of the Royal Family may, at the age of 25, signify to the Privy Council his or her intention to marry without the consent of the Sovereign. The marriage can then lawfully take place unless both Houses of Parliament expressly disapprove.

William: Remind me to change that when I become king. Anyways, a couple of drinks will bring the old girl around.

Kate: I can't William. I just can't.

William: I guess I'll just have to find someone else then..

Does Kate respond to William's hollow threat born of deep seated insecurity? Or does she stick firmly to her newly grown backbone? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Someday your prince may come but more than likely you'll have to find him

Keeping a prince can be a difficult job. Finding one in this day and age can be downright impossible. What with the dwindling prospects making drunken fools of themselves on a regular basis. It's tough. Kate Middleton certainly has her work cut out for her, guiding Prince William towards the altar. Here are some steps to help you out should you be interested in the same position.

1) Find a prince. Check out family trees. Go to places he hangs out - polo fields, expensive clubs, or the oldest university in Scotland. While doing so, invest in a copy of the Almanach de Gotha, it could take years to get your copy but once you do you'll see whether you're on the right track.

2) Once you've located your prince. Lure him into your lair by modelling skimpy clothes at a fashion show. Move in before he gets a glazed over look. Worked for Kate.

3) If necessary, quit your job. Forget everything your guidance counsellor told you about becoming royalty. It is possible.

4) Always look your best. Act the part. Anything less and you'll be considered a slacker. Remember that you'll be expected to set trends and look nice without spending any money whatsoever. Better get used to it now.

5) Get the media and your future subjects behind you. This is where tip#4 comes in. Your Prince will lose face in the eyes of his future subjects if he doesn't choose you.

6) Change your name. No one wants a future queen named Trixie, Peaches, or Amy Winehouse. Choose something suitably regal sounding, with an eye towards the name fitting on souvenirs. Catherine is a good choice.

7) While he may be worth millions, and could buy you your hearts desire, accept any love tokens, regardless of how cheap or tacky. He'll think that you appreciate the simple things in life. Especially those made with glue and sawdust.

8) Socialize without him. If you can make it look like you're having a good time in the pages of Hello magazine even better.

9) If you're dating a romantic and dashing prince, make sure your property has enough room to land a helicopter.

10) Be patient. This is the toughest part of all. Playing the waiting game. Some Princes aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. It may take a while for them to make up their minds.

© Marilyn Braun 2007