london royal wedding: Chelsy Davy

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A bumper year for royal news!

2010 began like any other year. Ho hum royal tours and continuous nauseating royal engagement speculation. If it wasn't Prince William and Kate Middleton's will they/won't they saga, then it was Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy's on/off relationship.

Therefore, there was no reason to believe that 2010 would be any more remarkable than previous years. Royal news tends to come in spurts.The family hadn't had a major royal wedding since 1999 and the Queen's last grandchild had been born in 2007, the same year, The Queen and Prince Philip celebrated their Diamond wedding anniversary. Her first grandchild married a Canadian in 2008. With the exception of a few minor weddings and births, it seemed like the royal family hadn't had any real news in ages.

Then, in the summer of 2010 that changed. Peter Phillips and his wife Autumn, were expecting a baby. But this would not be just any baby but the Queen's first great-grandchild. The last reiging sovereign to welcome a great-grandchild was Queen Victoria, whose eldest, Princess Feodora Saxe-Meiningen, had been born in 1879. Peter Phillips himself is not only the Queen's first grandchild but also the first-great grandchild of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother.

This year would continue to bring happy news with the long-awaited engagement of Prince William to Kate (Catherine) Middleton. And now today's engagement announcement of Zara Phillips to her long-time boyfriend Mike Tindall. With two upcoming weddings and a new baby, what better news could anyone ask for?

At this rate, 2011 promises to be a bumper year for royal watchers!

© Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal Report for Sunday May 16, 2010 - A Celebration of Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy's love

On this episode I "celebrate" the love of Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy.

You can listen to my celebration here

Publications mentioned

Hello! Canada Weekly No 173 17 May 2010

PEOPLE: THE ROYALS - THEIR LIVES, LOVES AND SECRETS - 2010 version

People - The Royals, Their Lives, Loves and Secrets 2006 version

Blogs mentioned

The Royal Representative

From my Royal Collection

Happy and Glorious: Six Reigns of Royal Photography

There will be no show next week due to the Victoria Day weekend. Tune in LIVE to the next episode of The Royal Report on Sunday May 30, 2010 9:00PM EST (North America)

The topic to be determined

© Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal Report for Sunday January 10, 2010 - Kate Middleton vs Chelsy Davy

Will Prince Charles ever be king? How old was Prince William when he first went to Australia? Can Prince Harry's crown jewels save the monarchy? Who are Kate Middleton and Chelsy Davy?

Listen to the episode to find out!

Publications mentioned:

Hello! Canada Special Holiday Edition - Best of the Decade No 156 11 January 2010

The Queen's Jewels - The personal collection of Elizabeth II - by Leslie Field

Blogs mentioned

British Royal Wedding

Tune in LIVE to the next episode of The Royal Report on Sunday January 17, 2010 at 9:00PM EST (North America)

The topic will be: Will 2010 be William and Kate's year?

© Marilyn Braun 2010

The Royal Romance Report for Sunday July 5th, 2009

On the July edition of The Royal Romance Report, can Michael Jackson top Diana in the funeral stakes? Should Andrew and Fergie get back together?

You can listen to the episode here.

Publications mentioned

People Magazine – The Talent and Tragedy of Michael Jackson 1958 – 2009

My Story by Sarah, Duchess of York

Blogs mentioned

British Royal Wedding

The Royal Report will be on hiatus for the next 2 weeks. The show will return on Sunday July 26th, 2009 - topic to be determined. Please feel free to check out my show archives in the interim.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

Harry vs Chelsy - Who will lose last?

I love a good game as much as the next person. UNO - count me in. Scrabble, ur..I'll grab my dictionary. Twister - let me do my warm-up stretches first. What I don't like are the kind of emotional games Chelsy and Harry are reportedly playing out since their breakup. He, inviting a pliant Chelsy look-a-like back to Clarence House for a nightcap. She, hanging with a rugged chap who can hunt crocodiles. He, wearing pink nail-polish. She, wearing..well who really cares whether she's wearing nail polish. Tit for tat. These are games high school kids play, not the sign of two people who are meant to be together.

Just divide your Facebook friends down the middle and be done with it.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

The Royal Romance Report - Sunday February 15, 2009

On this episode I discussed Prince William and Kate Middleton's relationship.I discussed the relationship status of other royal couples.

You can listen to the episode here.

Blog and websites mentioned

World of Royalty Blog
World of Royalty Website

Tune in to the next Royal Report on Sunday February 22, 2009 9:00PM EST (North America).

The topic will be: A recent article in the Times Online titled - Kate Middleton: Man-pleaser asks, is the princess-to-be only there to satisfy William's every whim? Is she or is the media just being mean?

© Marilyn Braun 2009

The Royal Report for Sunday February 8, 2009 - A Salute to Chelsy Davy

On this episode I saluted the former girlfriend of Prince Harry, Chelsy Davy. Healing, cathartic, deeply moving. Let the healing begin.

Publications mentioned on this episode

Hello Canada Weekly No. 115 February 9 2009

Tune in to the next episode of The Royal Report on Sunday February 15, 2009. 9:00PM EST (North America).

The topic will be: The Royal Romance Report: February edition

© Marilyn Braun 2009

Royal News Generator

Recently we've had a slow news week. It happens at the best of times. The royals can't be interesting all the time and I'm sure that they relish the break from our unrelenting scrutiny. In the interim, while we're waiting for them to do something, I've decided to come up with a trusty royal news generator to create your own stories (just like the tabloids do). Hours upon hours of fun should ensue as you go through each interesting possibility. The royals had better watch their backs. With this tool nothing is sacred.

Enjoy!

Which will result in

Royal Watchers Are

And Predicting

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 7

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless Kate was torn between getting the stapler to work vs being at William's beck and call. In a fit of frustration she tosses the stapler across the office. A distant "oww" can be heard a few cubicles over. It's 9:30AM and she's just gotten off the phone with Prince William, who has made an idle threat to find someone else, ultimately rooted in a deep seated insecurity yet to be explored through therapy. She's crying and decides to call Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsy Davy.

Kate: *Sob* William wants to *sob* put *sob* our *sob* wedding plans *sob* on *sob* hold.

Chelsy: So what else is new? What is it now?

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cublicles over: I think I'm bleeding

Kate: *Sob* William says he wants to focus on his RAF career. *sob* He puts his chopper above all else. If I'd known that there would be three of us in this relationship...

Chelsy: *Sigh* Like I said in Episode 4 you need to like make yourself scarce. Like leave the country, make William, like, chase after you.

Injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over: Can someone take me to the doctor?

Kate: Maybe if I'd just gone with William...if only I hadn't decided to get some of my self-respect back by working...none of this would have happened...*sob*

Chelsy: No wonder people call you "Waity-Katy"

Kate: It's Catherine!

Chelsy: Whatever. You like need to figure things out. What about a different career? Maybe, like, interior design?

Kate dries her eyes, which unlike normal women whose eyes would still be puffy, now look perfect. A thud is heard as the injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over, who has lost a lot of blood, falls to the ground.

Kate: You're right Chelsy. As God is my witness, as God as my witness, they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again....I'll go home. And I'll think of some way to get him back. After all... tomorrow is another day.

Chelsy: Whatever, Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler..

Kate: It's Catherine!

Will Kate run with Chelsy's career suggestion? Will she check to make sure that it's okay to quote copyrighted text from the classic 1939 movie, Gone with the Wind based on the 1936 novel of the same name by Margaret Mitchell? Will someone ever call an ambulence for the injured uncredited co-worker a few cubicles over? Find out on the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal Report for Sunday July 20th, 2008: Should Chelsy Davy check herself before she wrecks herself?

The topic will be: Some recent photos of Chelsy Davy have appeared in the media showing her looking less than sober with her friends. Should she 'check herself before she wrecks herself?' or should we just mind our own business?

You can listen to the podcast here.

Tune in live to the next Royal Report on Sunday July 27th, 2008 9:00PM EST (North America).

The topic will be: Kate Middleton recently attended her second royal wedding this year, increasing speculation on an engagement. But will Kate Middleton ever be a royal bride or is she destined to remain a royal wedding guest?

© Marilyn Braun 2008

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones at Chelsy Davy

I'm not normally one to pay too much attention to Chelsy Davy. Nor am I one to defend her. The way I figure it, in a few years she will be a footnote in royal girlfriend history. People who think she will be a royal bride are deluding themselves. No amount of rebranding will change that. But that's just my opinion. She could stand the test of time for all we know. I highly doubt it.

A recent post on the World of Royalty blog links to a story called Is this how a princess should behave? The article features photos of Chelsy being, well, the Chelsy the media presents to us: party-hearty, university student, whooping it up, cigarette and drink in hand. With nary Prince Harry in sight, looking less than sober, she is photographed on a man's shoulders, sitting in a tree, laughing and kissing one of her friends. A good time was obviously had by all. Until these photos were published.

It's nothing new to see photos of Chelsy looking bleary-eyed. For everything positive said about Kate Middleton, Chelsy is criticized. Maybe my opinion on Chelsy comes from these stories. Chelsy could be the most wonderful person in the world but you wouldn't know it by the press coverage she gets. The 'fag-smoking South African boozer' torn down by the media then raised up when she looks sober. A dizzying and humiliating roller-coaster. Chelsy must love Prince Harry in order to put up with it.

Is this how a princess should behave? Let's not forget that she's not a princess. Yet. Neither is Kate Middleton. Would we have seen photos of Princess Elizabeth, Princess Alexandra, Princess Anne or even Diana partying it up? Nope. In Princess Margaret's day, her long cigarette holders, 'racy' attitude, and heady romances was seen as scandalous. But this is a different generation. One filled with unscrupulous friends and camera phones. Now we're all flies on the wall.

Enjoy the show, from your glass house, while it lasts.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Royal Review - Peter Phillips & Autumn Kelly Hello Wedding Issue

I've written several reviews for this blog but I don't believe I've ever written one about a magazine. Given the amount of interest in this issue, I've decided to do so.

I'll admit that when I saw the engagement interview that Autumn and Peter gave to Hello I was delighted with it. I couldn't get my hands on it fast enough. It was an interesting interview, no earth shattering revelations with lovely photos of the couple. But I found it curious that Peter would have done an interview given the privacy he has maintained so successfully for the last 30 years.

But I was further surprised when their wedding got the Hello treatment. Although it is referred to as a Royal Wedding, I find it rather difficult to call it that. Despite being the Queen's grandson, Peter is not royal in that he has no title nor does he carry out public duties. The only royal aspect of this wedding is the location and the guest list which included senior members of the royal family.

For a member of the royal family to sell their wedding to a magazine is somewhat unprecedented. There's nothing new about the royal family stage-managing photo-ops. But this type of interview is something you would see a celebrity couple do, not royalty. Can you imagine Charles and Camilla sharing their love on the cover of Hello? or the Queen and Prince Philip opening the doors to their fabulous Scottish retreat, as they reflect on the enduring love of their 60-year marriage? Royal PR in the 21st century.

Despite all the speculation and uproar surrounding the wedding issue, it's actually fairly tasteful. No one looks uncomfortable. As if anticipating the furor Hello points this out: "Royalty did not appear displeased", and "spontaneous applause from the guests - which did not appear to ruffle the Queen in the least". It's interesting to note that once the wedding photos have been taken that senior members of the royal family, save for Sophie, are not photographed at the reception. The focus on the younger generation, specifically Kate Middleton and Chelsy Davy. Photos show Kate laughing, Chelsy and Kate on the dance-floor, Sophie smiling and clapping enthusiastically, Chelsy and Harry sharing an intimate moment, and the bride laughing as she leaves the reception. This is obviously a joyous event; save for the historic location no different from the wedding reception of any young couple.

The photos during the ceremony are lovely, touching and in no way intrusive. With royal weddings reverting to private occasions, it is a privilege to be privy to this one. The special looks between the couple, the first kiss after being pronounced husband and wife, and the clear delight on Princess Anne's face, makes for a new style of royal wedding; intimate and real.

Does this herald a change for the next royal wedding? Hopefully we won't have to wait long to find out.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 5

On the last episode of the Royal & The Clueless Kate had a visit from royal girlfriends past and present. We also learnt that William snores. On this episode, Kate goes to Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly's wedding, standing in for Prince William, who is having a perfectly innocent visit to his childhood sweetheart, Jecca Craig, in Kenya. Kate vows to herself to change her image and decides to have people call her Catherine instead.Currently, Kate mingles at the wedding reception. Kate approaches Peter and Autumn in the receiving line.

Kate: Congratulations on your day. You look lovely. And the mini-doughnuts are an inspired choice.

Autumn: Thank you Kitty

Kate: Actually it's Catherine

Autumn moves on to another guest. Peter greets Kate next.

Peter: Hello Kat, so lovely you could make it.

Kate: Thank you Peter. I'd love it if people would call me Catherine from now on.

Peter: No problem Katie.

Kate approaches Prince Philip. Although contrary to popular belief, not mandatory in any way, Kate curtsies.

Prince Philip: Hello Kit

Kate: Actually it's Catherine sir. I'm trying to revert back to my real name - Catherine - Kate is just a nickname...

Prince Philip walks away

Prince Philip: I don't need a bloody lesson you know.

Kate grows increasingly more frustrated. Chelsy Davy approaches Kate.

Chelsy: Hello Cassi

Kate: It's Catherine

Chelsy: What?

Kate: Call me Catherine! I want people to call me CATHERINE!

Chelsy: (looks around, embarassed) Calm down Trina

Kate screams: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Will people ever call Kate by the name Catherine? Will we ever find out what the Queen really thinks of the Hello magazine photos? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

The Royal & The Clueless - Episode 4

On the last episode of The Royal & The Clueless, Prince William, Kate and Jecca Craig were left in a precarious position when their ski lift in Klosters broke from one of the cables. Through an inexplicable and conveniently timed rescue effort, Prince William and Kate escaped unscathed. Jecca Craig was rescued but for continuity reasons mysteriously disappeared shortly afterwards. In this episode William and Kate lay in bed. William is fast asleep, snoring. Kate tries to sleep but cannot. Suddenly a knock at the door. Confused, Kate gets up and opens it.

Koo Stark in an ethereal, yet tasteful, outfit stands before her. A white glow surrounds her as her hair blows in the wind from an unexplained source.

Kate: Who are you?

Koo: I'm the ghost of royal girlfriends past.

Kate: The ghost of?..

Koo: Don't worry about it. This was way before your time. I'm here to warn you what not to do.

Kate: What not to do?

Koo: Yes, many have come before you. Well, not with Prince William but there have been many royal girlfriends of the past. You must learn from them.

Kate: Am I doing something wrong?

Koo: No, but you could. Here's some tips. Don't appear in soft porn films. Don't talk to the media. Don't get married to someone else.

Kate: But I'm not doing any of those things. I won't do any of those things.

Koo: Really? Well I wish someone had given me that advice when I was dating Prince Andrew.

Kate: (furrows her brow) You dated Prince Andrew?

Koo: (wistfully) Yes, I know. But he was hot back then.

Kate: I should hope so.

Koo: Oh well, I guess you don't need me. Maybe the ghost of royal girlfriend present can help you.

Koo fades away. Kate looks down the hallway and turns back towards the bed. Chelsy Davy relaxes in a chaise lounge.

Kate: What are you doing here?

Chelsy: Jecca couldn't make it so I'm like the ghost of royal girlfriends present. Does he really snore like that?

Kate: What can you teach me?

Chelsy: (sighs) No wonder this is called the royal and the clueless. Kate, you have to play hard to get. You know, like go to a different country, clear your head. You're like making yourself too available. See, I left and look Prince Harry came running after me like a little puppy dog.

Kate: You can do that stuff, it's not like you're royal bride...

Chelsy: What?

Kate: Umm..nothing.

Chelsy: Okay well, I'm off to Mahiki...err.to study for exams

Chelsy starts to fade away and then fades back in

Chelsy: Oh yeah, you might as well stay awake. The ghost of royal girlfriends future will visit you.

Chelsy fades away. Kate wakes up, startled. She gets up and looks around the room. When she calms down she starts to think.

Kate: (whispering with steely resolve) I must step up my plans. I cannot let Prince William have another girlfriend, ever. I must become his wife.

Kate starts to laugh manically. William wakes up, groggy.

William: What's going on? Darling, who are you talking to?

Kate: No one. Go back to sleep darling.

Kate smiles and climbs into bed.

Will Kate ever go back to sleep? Will William stop snoring? Tune in to the next episode of The Royal & The Clueless.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Survivor Balmoral - Day 33

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

This week, tribe Windsor merges with tribe Hanover. Joining the Windsor's are Paul Burrell and Prince Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy. The tribe descends into turmoil when Paul Burrell tries to ingratiate himself with Chelsy. The remaining members of tribe Windsor are: Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne, Prince Edward, and Prince Philip. Now that the tribes have merged, a new tribe called Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is formed.

Chelsy is busy sunning herself. Paul Burrell approaches her.

Paul: (to Chelsy) Did you know I used to work for the royal family? I was Diana's rock..the keeper of her...

Chelsy: Are you lying to me?

Paul: Well, I have been known to be naughty. Can I offer you some of my Royal Butler wine? How about a signed copy of one of my books?...

Chelsy: Go away, you're blocking my sun.

Princess Anne faces a new challenge: Opening the door. Princess Anne goes up to the door, looking at it curiously. She takes a few deep breaths, pensive. She is nervous and gives herself a pep talk before her attempt.

Princess Anne: Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door...

Unbeknownst to her, on the other side of the door, Prince Andrew is also facing the challenge of opening the same door.

Prince Andrew (wipes the sweat from his brow): Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door....

Princess Anne and Prince Andrew (frustrated, in unison): Oh bother!

In another part of the castle, Prince Charles has located the kitchen and is preparing to boil an egg. He holds the chicken aloft over the boiling water.*

Prince Philip: Don't you know that you must wait for the chicken to lay the egg?

Prince Charles (to the chicken): I command you to give me fresh eggs.

Prince Philip: (Takes the chicken from Charles) Here, let me do it!

Philip shakes the chicken up and down. Charles tries to grab the chicken back, but it flutters away and runs for its life.

Meanwhile, Prince Edward is still in the loo trying to draw his own bath. The Queen is outside to door, waiting.

The Queen: Edward, open the door, I have to go to the loo

Prince Edward goes towards the door to open it. He looks confused at the handle. He starts to take some deep breaths.

Prince Edward: Just turn the handle and open the door...turn the handle and open the door...

The door does not open

Prince Edward: Mummy I'm stuck!!!

Later on, at Tribal Council, the Queen gathers tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. Prince Philip has failed the child rearing challenge. Paul Burrell has the immunity idol after winning the bed-making challenge.

The Queen: Where's Edward?

Prince Edward: (runs towards the group, panting and sweaty) Here I am, Mummy!

Prince Philip: (to Edward) You're completely out of shape, didn't the army teach you anything?...oh wait, never mind..

The Queen: Tonight someone must go home. It seems there's some dead weight in the tribe....

Chelsy: (sulky) This is so boring!

Chelsy gets up and grabs her sunscreen.

Chelsy: I'm off to Boujis!

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral, Prince Charles attempts to mop the floor while Prince William cleans up after himself.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

*Note: No chickens were harmed while writing this article.

The Stages of Grief for Kate Middleton

For people who care to remember, April 13th, 2007 will go down in history as the day we heard that Prince William and Kate Middleton had broken up. Since then, we have mourned in our own way. Our experience might even mirror the Kübler-Ross model for grief and tragedy. Let's take a look.

Denial: Royal message boards and newspaper columnists blazed with speculation. "No, it can't be happening!"

Anger: Certainly we shared this feeling with Kate herself. We looked for ways to assign blame: It's the media's fault! Kate was too middle-class. William wasn't ready to settle down.

Bargaining: eBay sellers auction off the rare Woolworth commemorative china for the engagement that never was.

Depression: Who will save the monarchy now?

Acceptance: No, they're not getting back together. Maybe Prince Harry and Chelsy will get engaged?

But it didn't end there. Then we went through the stages again as reports indicated that they are back together.

Denial: They can't possibly be back together! I just sent him my phone number.

Anger: Did I pay too much for the Woolworth china?

Bargaining: Maybe they'll break up again and I can sell it for more than I paid for it.

Depression: Environmentalists cry: "Think of the trees!"

Acceptance: *Sigh* Here we go again.

If any of this applies to you, make sure you seek help immediately.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

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Like royal books? Visit Marilyn's Royal Bookstore!
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Was the Concert for Diana about Diana?

On Sunday July 1st I sat, almost, rivited to the TV, watching the Concert for Diana. It looked like a great and wonderful event. But after a while I started to wonder.

What exactly is this concert about?

Is it about celebrating the life of Diana? Yes.

Is it about great music from people I've never heard of? Yes indeed.

Is it about raising money for the charities chosen by Prince William and Prince Harry. Yes, and good for them.

Is it about the chance for me to yell at my TV as the commentators got the royals mixed up? I always enjoy that but no.

Listening to the commentators after a while, I got the impression that, on the face of it, the first three were the main points. But one issue seemed to consume the reporters after a while. And that was the attendance of Kate Middleton. Despite the break-up, Kate put on a brave face and seemed to enjoy the show. Sometimes the camera caught her animatedly talking with her brother, sometimes it caught her looking serious as she watched people that, maybe she'd never heard about either. The important point was, she was there. What did it mean?

Unlike Chelsy, who had pride of place beside Prince Harry, Kate did not sit with William, she sat about two or three rows back from him. This seating arrangement was poured over by reporters, who tried to imbue this with significance. How else to fill their time between sets? Every wistful or affectionate glance at the back of William's head. Every non-glance from William. Did they make eye-contact? Did they talk to each other? Why is she sitting so far from him? Are they back together? If so, is this just a ruse on their part to fool us? Unqualified to speculate and lucky to get anyone's name right, the CTV commentator managed to corrall the ubiquitous Ingrid Seward for help. A big fish to catch on his part. If anything, wouldn't she know something? Alas she could not shed any light on the meaning or lack of meaning of this turn of events. One wonders what they would have done had Kate not been there? Maybe that would have been significant to them too.

Personally I was surprised to see her there. I was also surprised to see where she was seated. Her spot beside William filled by a far less attractive male friend. But there was no royal pecking order here. Sitting just behind a group of unfamiliar, homely girls - who must have won a contest in order to be there - yet in front of Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, Kate looked like she'd been left out in the cold. Sure she had her family with her, no doubt for moral support, but still. Couldn't William have made some sort of show of it. Perhaps a consolation prize placement, down the row, beside Peter Philips? Either way people would have talked, but Kate might have looked less forlorn. Everytime the camera focused on her, I felt for her, I truly did.

So what do we make of this? What should we make of this? In the grand scheme of things does it really matter? So many rhetorical questions. But one real question comes to mind.

Was the Concert for Diana about Diana? Yes, I guess it was about that too.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

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Like royal books? Visit Marilyn's Royal Bookstore!
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Operation Queen Camilla

Public opinion indicates that 90% of the populace do not want Camilla to become Queen. This operation is highly risky. The public can be quite fickle and Diana sentiment is still strong. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to make Camilla Queen. Should you get caught, we will disavow your actions. You may dispose of this tape in the usual manner. Or this tape will self-destruct in five seconds. *Pooof*[Tape disappears in a cloud of smoke]

Location: A palace somewhere in London.

The Queen, Prince Philip and Prince Charles sit at the table and open their dossiers. They pull out 8 x 10 autographed glossies of Ingrid Seward, Matt Lauer, Ferne Cotton, and James Whittaker.

Prince Charles: I want to see Camilla be crowned Queen beside me.

The Queen: I think it's too soon to discuss Queen Camilla. Look at all the time it took for her to be accepted as your companion and then your wife. We need to take this slow, launch a careful media campaign. At minimum get James Whittaker on board.

Prince Charles: That ghastly man!

Prince Philip: Don't you think we should test the waters? start with Princess of Wales and see how that goes?

Prince Charles: Both of you are always against me. Don't you understand. I love her and I want to make her my queen.

The Queen: Charles, don't play the 'blame your parents card'. We're getting off topic here. Where's Prince Harry? Shouldn't he be in on this meeting?

The group look up to see Prince Harry, suspended by a cable, dropping from the ceiling. He stops and hovers just above the table.

Prince Philip: Glad you could finally make it.

Prince Harry: Is there something I can help with?

The Queen: Yes Harry, we need you to go out and distract people. Get into a fight with someone. Break up with Chelsy..or something like that.

Prince Harry: The things I do for England!

The Queen: That will be all Harry.

Prince Harry tries to retract the cable but gets stuck.

Prince Harry: Can someone help me down from here?

Later on, at another palace in London Prince Philip, Prince William, and Prince Harry meet to finalize plans.

Prince Philip: You must infiltrate the offices of Majesty magazine. Ingrid Seward writes a monthly column, which this month will be anti-Queen Camilla. Make sure you edit it put a positive spin. Here is the equipment you will need for your mission: Commemorative china, your Coronation medals and a trained monkey. Prince Harry, make sure to bring Chelsy's watch, women like it when you wear their gifts.

Prince William and Prince Harry gather up their equipment.

Prince Philip (with a tear in his eye): Good luck boys.

To be Continued.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

Is Chelsy Davy 'The One' for us?

Ever since Prince William and Kate Middleton broke up, it's inevitable that the focus would have turned to the future of Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy's relationship. Or has it?

Despite being the 'only British royal girlfriend left standing,' one label that is rarely used in relation to Chelsy is 'royal bride.' This term seemed inextricably linked to Kate. Regardless of whether Prince Harry regards her as 'his one true love,' Chelsy is invariably described as the bleached blonde, 'fag* smoking South African boozer' and according to the catty set, 'who can't even spell her own name'.

Everyone liked Kate and the path was clear. Only Prince William had to cooperate. When he didn't, Kate no longer had anything to show for five years of ladylike patience and restraint. And neither did we. Chelsy unabashedly canoodles with her man, buys him a tacky £20,000 diamond encrusted watch and stays the course. What did we do wrong?

Who knew Chelsy would last as long as she has? Whereas we welcomed Kate with open arms, and the royal family did too. Chelsy seems to be lucky if we'll let her near the door. She may be rich but that can't buy our love. And maybe that's for the best as she doesn't seem to care.

Do we approve? Should we approve? Chelsy may be a wonderful person, but offering out approval betrays all that we made Kate out to be - 'The One'. If we settle for Chelsy, what does that say about us? Can we really picture her in the extravagant dress, on the balcony, filling the void left by her predecessors? Should Chelsy make it that far, will we let her have a happy ending? For all our initial love for Diana and Fergie, knowing us, it's unlikely.

Is Chelsy 'The One'? We'll let Prince Harry know.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

* fag is British slang for cigarette

Why I'm sad Prince Harry is not going to war

Her blonde hair blew in the wind and her brow was furrowed as she watched the plane touch down. She had dreamed of this moment, and now it was here. Not one to wear her heart on her sleeve, she could hardly contain the tears in her eyes. She wanted to light a cigarette but knew that it wouldn't look good. The plane door opened, Prince Harry stood at the door way, blinking in the sunlight. He put on his sunglasses and spotted her right away. He raced down the stairs. Forgetting royal protocol and formalities, Chelsy Davy ran from her discreet, yet media friendly, spot on the tarmac, into Harry's waiting arms.

See how I could have written so much about Prince Harry returning from Iraq?

I will admit that I was disappointed when I heard that Prince Harry wasn't going to the front lines. While I have no particular attachment to him, I'm glad he's safe. My reasons for being disappointed stem from all the potential article ideas I could have thought of, drafted and published. It could have been wonderful. A veritable windfall of possibilities. Instead:

Prince Harry sat at his desk, waiting for the phone to ring. He played with a paperclip, his impotent rage barely concealed. Prince William looked at him across the desk, picking up an elastic band, he aimed and fired, hitting Prince Harry right between the eyes.

Almost makes you want to cry, doesn't it?

Like me, Harry must be incredibly frustrated. We've both been stymied by the system into which he was born. But no, his safety had to come first. Don't people understand the testosterone filled need for him to prove himself? Put his training to proper use? Show up his brother and actually earn his medals?

I'm sure I'm not alone in my disappointment. Sadly, all of the 'I'm Harry' t-shirts will go unsold. If you bought one you either have a collectors item or a conversation piece. Or, maybe it might come in handy. If you were kept from the front lines too, taping the word 'like' between the 'I'm' and 'Harry', could show your solidarity.

Yes, I could have written about the dynastic ramifications of sending him, how he's expendible in the grand scheme of things. William's simmering jealousy is an article in itself. Would Chelsy have waited for him? Now we'll never know! Should the unfortunate have happened, I could have written about his lost potential, and how he was misunderstood. And like other public figures when they die, made him out to be more important than he actually was. Instead:

Marilyn sat by her laptop. Frustrated by the news that Prince Harry wasn't going to Iraq. First William and Kate Middleton, now this! All the drafts gone to waste. As she checked her news alerts, her mind drew a blank. What would she write about now? She sighed deeply, closed the laptop and put it away...

Doesn't that make you want to cry?

© Marilyn Braun 2007

london royal wedding

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