Survivor Balmoral - Day 34

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

On the last episode of Survivor Balmoral, Paul Burrell won the immunity idol for winning the bed making challenge. Prince Philip had a setback after he failed the child rearing challenge. And Prince Edward narrowly escaped being permanently trapped in the loo. On this episode, the very survival of tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is at risk when Princess Anne faces the challenge of cutting a slice of bread.

The Princess carefully approaches the counter. Four knives lay before her - Table, Paring, Bread, and Swiss Army. Along with them a wooden spoon. She picks up one of the implements up eyes the loaf with trepidation.

Prince Edward: I'm hungry

Prince Andrew: Yes, me too

Princess Anne: (turns towards them with the wooden spoon in hand) Stop it or I'll call Mummy.

Both men are silent. One of their stomachs growl audibly. Paul Burrell sits on a chair in the kitchen, chuckling to himself.

Paul: Need some help?

Princess Anne: Go away

Paul: Well, just thought I'd let you know that you can't cut a loaf of bread with a spoon.

Prince Edward: I can't handle this any longer.

Prince Edward grabs the bread off the counter and starts to savagely tear at it with his teeth. Prince Andrew wrestles the bread from him.

Meanwhile, in another part of the castle. Prince Charles sits beside a mop and bucket. He is weeping.

Prince Charles: (to the camera) I didn't realize it would be this hard. I don't even know which end of the mop to use. (He looks at the mop closer). You know, if it weren't for this monstrous carbuncle of fabric, this might be good for walking in the hills.

Prince William calls from another room.

Prince William: Papa!

Prince Charles: What is it Wills?

William, in a heightened state of anxiety, points to a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. Both princes look at the floor with trepidation. Charles takes the stick and pokes at the paper. Inching it closer to the wastebasket.

William: No Papa, this is my challenge.

William bravely bends down on the floor and starts to blow the paper. It slowly moves. Soon he is out of breath. He sits up, tears of frustration roll down his cheeks. Charles hugs William.

Prince Charles: We'll get through this together.

Later on at tribal council, the members of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha tribe arrive tired and exhausted. Prince Edwards stomach rumbles. Paul Burrell sits and smiles smugly.The tribe members glower at him.

The Queen: Do you why you're all here?

Paul Burrell: Yes, it's so disappointing your Majesty. But they've tried so hard, with my help of course. May I offer you a glass of Royal Butler wine?

Prince Philip: (looks at Paul) What is that I hear in the distance? the authorities? I think someones looking for you Paul!

Paul Burrell looks around nervously, gathers his wine, and runs for the hills.

Princess Anne: (exasperated) That's no good, he's the only one who knows how to cut bread. Now what are we going to eat?

The tribe members look at each other. Prince Edward sizes up Prince Andrew, pinching him. Stomachs growl audibly.

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral the remaining members of tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha descend into turmoil over the simplest of tasks.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Survivor Balmoral - Day 33

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

This week, tribe Windsor merges with tribe Hanover. Joining the Windsor's are Paul Burrell and Prince Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy. The tribe descends into turmoil when Paul Burrell tries to ingratiate himself with Chelsy. The remaining members of tribe Windsor are: Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne, Prince Edward, and Prince Philip. Now that the tribes have merged, a new tribe called Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is formed.

Chelsy is busy sunning herself. Paul Burrell approaches her.

Paul: (to Chelsy) Did you know I used to work for the royal family? I was Diana's rock..the keeper of her...

Chelsy: Are you lying to me?

Paul: Well, I have been known to be naughty. Can I offer you some of my Royal Butler wine? How about a signed copy of one of my books?...

Chelsy: Go away, you're blocking my sun.

Princess Anne faces a new challenge: Opening the door. Princess Anne goes up to the door, looking at it curiously. She takes a few deep breaths, pensive. She is nervous and gives herself a pep talk before her attempt.

Princess Anne: Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door...

Unbeknownst to her, on the other side of the door, Prince Andrew is also facing the challenge of opening the same door.

Prince Andrew (wipes the sweat from his brow): Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door....

Princess Anne and Prince Andrew (frustrated, in unison): Oh bother!

In another part of the castle, Prince Charles has located the kitchen and is preparing to boil an egg. He holds the chicken aloft over the boiling water.*

Prince Philip: Don't you know that you must wait for the chicken to lay the egg?

Prince Charles (to the chicken): I command you to give me fresh eggs.

Prince Philip: (Takes the chicken from Charles) Here, let me do it!

Philip shakes the chicken up and down. Charles tries to grab the chicken back, but it flutters away and runs for its life.

Meanwhile, Prince Edward is still in the loo trying to draw his own bath. The Queen is outside to door, waiting.

The Queen: Edward, open the door, I have to go to the loo

Prince Edward goes towards the door to open it. He looks confused at the handle. He starts to take some deep breaths.

Prince Edward: Just turn the handle and open the door...turn the handle and open the door...

The door does not open

Prince Edward: Mummy I'm stuck!!!

Later on, at Tribal Council, the Queen gathers tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. Prince Philip has failed the child rearing challenge. Paul Burrell has the immunity idol after winning the bed-making challenge.

The Queen: Where's Edward?

Prince Edward: (runs towards the group, panting and sweaty) Here I am, Mummy!

Prince Philip: (to Edward) You're completely out of shape, didn't the army teach you anything?...oh wait, never mind..

The Queen: Tonight someone must go home. It seems there's some dead weight in the tribe....

Chelsy: (sulky) This is so boring!

Chelsy gets up and grabs her sunscreen.

Chelsy: I'm off to Boujis!

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral, Prince Charles attempts to mop the floor while Prince William cleans up after himself.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

*Note: No chickens were harmed while writing this article.

Survivor Balmoral

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go betweens, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

Day 30

On last week's episode we saw tribe Hanover prevail in the immunity challenge. Currently there is dissention in tribe Windsor, alliances have been formed and broken. Andrew currently has the Immunity Idol after winning the smiling and waving challenge, which Edward failed.

Edward: "Mummy, my arms are tired".

The Queen is not amused, she rolls her eyes.

The Queen: "I've been doing this for 80 years. Suck it up".

Next challenge: Charles attempts to iron his shirts and squeeze his own toothpaste. Without success.

Charles: "I dare say, this is harder than it looks. Where do you plug the toothpaste in?"

Philip: (already brushing his teeth) "You don't know what hardship is really like do you?"

Exasperated, Charles looks for paper and pen to write a memo to his father.

Charles: "This really isn't fair. How are we supposed to communicate with each other anyways?"

Meanwhile, William and Kate Middleton are having a disagreement....

Kate: "Where's the toilet?"

William: "No, it's called a 'lavatory'. Let's spell that together..L..A..V..."

Kate: "Pardon?"

William: "What?"

Later that day, at Tribal Council, the Queen waits for the remaining members of Tribe Windsor. Philip, Charles, Anne, Andrew, Edward, William, Harry and Kate Middleton, meet at Balmoral to vote off the next contestant.

Kate: (to the Queen) "Pleased to meet you."

Everyone glares at her.

Queen: You have come here today because, once again, your tribe lost the immunity challenge against Hanover, why do you think this happened?

Andrew: "I blame Harry, claiming to be sick anytime there's work to be done"

Edward: "Someone should be tested for drugs...."

Charles: "At least he's doing his time in the military".

Edward: "Mummy, are you going to let him say that to me?"

Harry gets up, fists ready. William goes to restrain him.

Harry: "Look William, there's a cheap blonde at the bar!"

William is distracted and lets Harry go. Harry lunges at Edward. Kate phones her lawyers.

The Queen: "Kate, I'm under the impression that you're not suitable royal bride material..some say you're middle class".

Everyone gasps

Kate: "William doesn't mind...do you William?...William?"

Philip: (Looks over at the bar) "Does he have his hand on her...."

Kate: "That's it!...I can't take this anymore!"

Kate runs off into the night. The remaining contestants look at each other, confused.

The Queen: "I guess the commoner has spoken!"

On next week's episode:

Charles tries to mow the lawn. And Edward draws his own bath.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

Royal Profile: Cecil Beaton

When Cecil Beaton visited a clairvoyant in 1926, she told him that he would have a lot to do with royalty. At the time he could not have realized just how prophetic that statement would be.

Cecil Walter Hardy Beaton was born in London on January 14, 1904, the grandson of a blacksmith, and the eldest son of a prosperous timber merchant. He had three siblings: Reginald (Reggie) born 1905, Nancy (born 1909) and Barbara (Baba) born 1912. When he was 11, his grandmother bought him his first camera, which he taught himself the basics of photography, using his mother and sisters as his first models. When he became more proficient he sent his photographs off to London society magazines, writing under a pen name but recommending the work of 'Beaton'.

Raised in Hampstead, he attended Heath Mount School, London where he felt like an outsider much of the time. It wasn't until he attended Harrow School that he hit his stride and involved himself in the theatre, designing sets, sewing costumes and performing. Although not academically inclined, to please his parents he attended St. Thomas' College, Cambridge, studying history, art and architecture. He continued to work on his photography in his homemade studio, sending photographs to the major fashion magazines. Through his university contacts he was commissioned to photograph the Duchess of Amalfi. The photograph, bought and printed by Vogue, gave him his first ever published work.

In 1925 he left Cambridge without a degree and his father gave him a job in his office as a clerk. He lasted eight days. Bringing along his camera, he spent his time attending society parties, taking photographs of the elite and London glitterati. These photographs formed his first exhibition in 1927. Shortly afterwards he set up his own studio, establishing himself as London's definative society photographer. As his success grew he set his sights on the glamour of Hollywood, eventually photographing Marlene Dietrich, Tallulah Bankhead, Marlon Brando, Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn and Greta Garbo, amongst others.

During the Second World War he worked for the British government and military as official photographer and his images of the devastation were later published in the book Winged Squadrons (1942). In addition to his flourishing photographic career, he wrote several books, worked as an illustrator and set designer for various theatrical productions; winning four Tony awards. For his work in film, he won two Academy Awards for costume design for Gigi in 1958 and My Fair Lady in 1964. His black and white costumes for My Fair Lady were inspired by the 1910 Black Ascot following the death of King Edward VII.

He would photograph the royal family for fifty years, starting in 1930 with Princess Louise, daughter of Queen Victoria. In his royal photographs he was greatly inspired by painters Franz Xaver Winterhalter and Thomas Gainsborough and used blow-ups of their paintings as backdrops for some of his most successful and romantic portraits of Queen Elizabeth and the young Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret. These portraits did much to restore the image of the monarchy after the Abdication in 1936, particularly transforming the image of Elizabeth, Duchess of York from minor royal into regal personage when she became Queen. Some of his most notable photographs included the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Windsor in 1937, the Coronation of Queen Elizabeth II in 1953, as well as the first official photos of the infants Prince Charles, Princess Anne, Prince Andrew and Prince Edward. Beaton was also influenced by photographers Marcus Adams and Bertram Park and in the 1950's and 1960's his photographs took on a more informal style, inspired by Irving Penn and Richard Avedon.

In 1957 he was became a Commander, Order of the British Empire, in 1960 he was made a Chevalier, Legion of Honor, and he was knighted in 1972. He suffered a stroke in 1974, and although one side of his body would be permanently paralyzed, he taught himself to write and draw with his left hand and had his cameras adapted. However his health would remain damaged and he died in Broadchalke, Wiltshire, 18 January 1980.

© Marilyn Braun 2006

Canadian Royal Trivia

• Prince William, the future King William IV, was the first member of the royal family to visit Canada in 1786. He came as part of a naval contingent serving in North America and the West Indies. Upon arriving in Canada he labelled it "truly deplorable".

• The province of Prince Edward Island is named after Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, the father of Queen Victoria.

• The province of Alberta was named after Princess Louise, one of Queen Victoria's daughters. Her full name was Louise Caroline Alberta. In the same province, Lake Louise was also named after her.

• During his visit to Canada in 1860, Prince Albert Edward, the future King Edward VII, watched Charles Blondin walk across Niagara Falls on a tight-rope. Afterwards he volunteered to be taken across the falls in Blondin's wheelbarrow until stopped by one of his minders.

• Prince Arthur, Duke of Connaught, was the first royal Governor General of Canada. He served from 1911-1916. Other members of the royal family who have served in this capacity: the Marquess of Lorne (husband of Princess Louise) from 1878-1883, Lord Athlone (husband of Princess Alice, Countess of Athlone from 1940-1946.

• In 1901, the Duke and Duchess of York, the future King George V and Queen Mary, toured Canada coast to coast. The Duke recorded that he shook hands with 24,855 people at official receptions alone, laid 21 foundation stones, received 544 addresses, presented 4,329 medals, gave almost a hundred speeches, and distributed 140 titles.

• In 1939, King George VI, accompanied by Queen Elizabeth, became the first reigning sovereign to step foot on Canadian soil.

© Marilyn Braun