Princess Diana, Come back!

Some say she lives on an island called The Oval and only comes out at night. Legends abound that she visits Paul Burrell's house and sorts through her belongings. She was once quoted as saying: "Whoever is in distress, I will come running".

Obviously she's true to her word. We don't know if she wears a cape but her approach is distinguished by the click clack of her Manolo Blahniks. Wearing her priceless sapphire and diamond amulet around her neck, a wedding gift from a generous Sheik, she can stop the Global economic crisis. She can get AIG executives to return their bonuses by throwing her Spencer tiara like a boomerang when they try to make a deposit.

She's Diana, Princess of Wales. And she's currently off to find Osama Bin Laden so that she can give him a hug. If anyone can find him, it's her.

© Marilyn Braun 2009

This article was inspired by the following link

Royal Review: Royal Entertaining Books

I don't think I've ever entertained more that 15 people at one time. And even then it wasn't a fancy affair: filled with a mish-mash of dishes, place mats, cutlery, and store-bought lasagna. However, if I ever decided to gather 150 of my closest friends, relatives, acquaintances, enemies, former co-workers, and third cousins once removed, I would use these books as a starting point for what to do in that unlikely scenario. Each one one covers different aspects of royal entertaining, such as proper cutlery, meals to prepare, and the appropriate attire for the liveried servers. One thing they have in common is the insight into the lives of the royal family. Of course, were I to start entertaining on such a grand scale I would have to buy a larger table, more stemware, cutlery, dishes, place mats, napkins, pots, pans, and change my criteria for buying wine (Under $20 and must have the word Chateau in the name). Other than that I'm sure I could adapt if the need arise.

Eating Royally by Darren McGrady. Out of the ones listed, this is my favorite. And I think it's the best too, mainly because it's the classiest and the most personal. Along with that, part of the proceeds went to charity. Darren McGrady worked as a royal chef for fifteen years, four of which were spent with Diana, Princess of Wales. Although there is a chapter focusing on his work at Kensington Palace, the majority of his reminisces come from working for the Queen at the various royal residences. One notable error is McGrady mentioning that Charles and Diana were married in 1982! (The date was July 29th, 1981).The anecdotes are very interesting and humorous, the recipes are made accessible and accompanied by beautiful photographs. Reading this book you almost get the sense of being in the royal kitchens with McGrady. There are a few recipes I'm looking forward to trying, mainly the one for mashed potatoes and Balmoral Strawberry Jam.

In the Royal Manner by Paul Burrell. Before you prejudge this book as just another attempt to cash in on Princess Diana, note that this was his first attempt. And a classy one at that. Take out his name, all of the royal personages and estates mentioned, and you might have a book Martha Stewart would have written. One thing about this how-to book on royal entertaining is that all of the tips could easily be incorporated into any dinner party: appropriate wines, folding a napkin into a perfect Fleur de Lys, when to use certain glassware and cutlery, table manners (Don't' talk with your mouth full or sit with your elbows on the table) and how to remove lipstick stains. Step by step seasonal flower arrangements with helpful photographs as guides. It has a very charming section on parties for children (A Bug's Party). Recipes are included, appropriate to each season, along with an overview of royal events and residences. Details for weddings are also covered: engagement announcements, the ceremony, reception, seating arrangements, flowers, wedding cake, etc. The only error that I can see is that Burrell lists Charles and Diana's wedding day as 29 June 1981 (What is it about their wedding date?) I'm looking forward to trying the recipe for Deep-Filled Apple Pie.

Dinner at Buckingham Palace by Charles Oliver I've already reviewed this book and I recommend it. It starts with a history of royal cooking along with recipes used from Queen Victoria to the present Queen. The anecdotes are interesting and there are some nice casual photos of the royal family (the Queen wearing pants!). The recipes far outweigh the anecdotes, but that's OK. Sometimes there's too much detail in the recipes- such as how to make turtle soup. (Oh, so that's the way to boil a turtle - I've been doing it wrong all along!). For the Royal Table (below) features a similar recipe with the killing and prepping of the turtle replaced with 'Prepare and Joint the turtle'. The end of the book lists menus for food served at State banquets in 1841. Along with ones for every month of the year, helpfully broken down by size of the dinner party. Now I'll never have to worry about what to serve 16 people for dinner in July!

For the Royal Table - Dining at the Palace from The Royal Collection. This recently released companion to the current exhibition at Buckingham Palace gives an insight into royal entertaining on the grandest scale imaginable - State Banquets. At no point is there any attempt to bring dining down to commoner levels. With detailed information on practically every aspect of State banquets, this book should answer any questions you may have. There are a few How-to's: folding napkins and carving a pineapple, along with some recipes (Turtle Soup anyone?). An interesting behind the scenes look into the preparation for State Banquets up to details of the actual event.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Survivor Balmoral - Day 34

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

On the last episode of Survivor Balmoral, Paul Burrell won the immunity idol for winning the bed making challenge. Prince Philip had a setback after he failed the child rearing challenge. And Prince Edward narrowly escaped being permanently trapped in the loo. On this episode, the very survival of tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is at risk when Princess Anne faces the challenge of cutting a slice of bread.

The Princess carefully approaches the counter. Four knives lay before her - Table, Paring, Bread, and Swiss Army. Along with them a wooden spoon. She picks up one of the implements up eyes the loaf with trepidation.

Prince Edward: I'm hungry

Prince Andrew: Yes, me too

Princess Anne: (turns towards them with the wooden spoon in hand) Stop it or I'll call Mummy.

Both men are silent. One of their stomachs growl audibly. Paul Burrell sits on a chair in the kitchen, chuckling to himself.

Paul: Need some help?

Princess Anne: Go away

Paul: Well, just thought I'd let you know that you can't cut a loaf of bread with a spoon.

Prince Edward: I can't handle this any longer.

Prince Edward grabs the bread off the counter and starts to savagely tear at it with his teeth. Prince Andrew wrestles the bread from him.

Meanwhile, in another part of the castle. Prince Charles sits beside a mop and bucket. He is weeping.

Prince Charles: (to the camera) I didn't realize it would be this hard. I don't even know which end of the mop to use. (He looks at the mop closer). You know, if it weren't for this monstrous carbuncle of fabric, this might be good for walking in the hills.

Prince William calls from another room.

Prince William: Papa!

Prince Charles: What is it Wills?

William, in a heightened state of anxiety, points to a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. Both princes look at the floor with trepidation. Charles takes the stick and pokes at the paper. Inching it closer to the wastebasket.

William: No Papa, this is my challenge.

William bravely bends down on the floor and starts to blow the paper. It slowly moves. Soon he is out of breath. He sits up, tears of frustration roll down his cheeks. Charles hugs William.

Prince Charles: We'll get through this together.

Later on at tribal council, the members of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha tribe arrive tired and exhausted. Prince Edwards stomach rumbles. Paul Burrell sits and smiles smugly.The tribe members glower at him.

The Queen: Do you why you're all here?

Paul Burrell: Yes, it's so disappointing your Majesty. But they've tried so hard, with my help of course. May I offer you a glass of Royal Butler wine?

Prince Philip: (looks at Paul) What is that I hear in the distance? the authorities? I think someones looking for you Paul!

Paul Burrell looks around nervously, gathers his wine, and runs for the hills.

Princess Anne: (exasperated) That's no good, he's the only one who knows how to cut bread. Now what are we going to eat?

The tribe members look at each other. Prince Edward sizes up Prince Andrew, pinching him. Stomachs growl audibly.

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral the remaining members of tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha descend into turmoil over the simplest of tasks.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Survivor Balmoral - Day 33

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

This week, tribe Windsor merges with tribe Hanover. Joining the Windsor's are Paul Burrell and Prince Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy. The tribe descends into turmoil when Paul Burrell tries to ingratiate himself with Chelsy. The remaining members of tribe Windsor are: Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne, Prince Edward, and Prince Philip. Now that the tribes have merged, a new tribe called Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is formed.

Chelsy is busy sunning herself. Paul Burrell approaches her.

Paul: (to Chelsy) Did you know I used to work for the royal family? I was Diana's rock..the keeper of her...

Chelsy: Are you lying to me?

Paul: Well, I have been known to be naughty. Can I offer you some of my Royal Butler wine? How about a signed copy of one of my books?...

Chelsy: Go away, you're blocking my sun.

Princess Anne faces a new challenge: Opening the door. Princess Anne goes up to the door, looking at it curiously. She takes a few deep breaths, pensive. She is nervous and gives herself a pep talk before her attempt.

Princess Anne: Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door...

Unbeknownst to her, on the other side of the door, Prince Andrew is also facing the challenge of opening the same door.

Prince Andrew (wipes the sweat from his brow): Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door....

Princess Anne and Prince Andrew (frustrated, in unison): Oh bother!

In another part of the castle, Prince Charles has located the kitchen and is preparing to boil an egg. He holds the chicken aloft over the boiling water.*

Prince Philip: Don't you know that you must wait for the chicken to lay the egg?

Prince Charles (to the chicken): I command you to give me fresh eggs.

Prince Philip: (Takes the chicken from Charles) Here, let me do it!

Philip shakes the chicken up and down. Charles tries to grab the chicken back, but it flutters away and runs for its life.

Meanwhile, Prince Edward is still in the loo trying to draw his own bath. The Queen is outside to door, waiting.

The Queen: Edward, open the door, I have to go to the loo

Prince Edward goes towards the door to open it. He looks confused at the handle. He starts to take some deep breaths.

Prince Edward: Just turn the handle and open the door...turn the handle and open the door...

The door does not open

Prince Edward: Mummy I'm stuck!!!

Later on, at Tribal Council, the Queen gathers tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. Prince Philip has failed the child rearing challenge. Paul Burrell has the immunity idol after winning the bed-making challenge.

The Queen: Where's Edward?

Prince Edward: (runs towards the group, panting and sweaty) Here I am, Mummy!

Prince Philip: (to Edward) You're completely out of shape, didn't the army teach you anything?...oh wait, never mind..

The Queen: Tonight someone must go home. It seems there's some dead weight in the tribe....

Chelsy: (sulky) This is so boring!

Chelsy gets up and grabs her sunscreen.

Chelsy: I'm off to Boujis!

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral, Prince Charles attempts to mop the floor while Prince William cleans up after himself.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

*Note: No chickens were harmed while writing this article.