Happy 81st Birthday to The Queen

Survivor Balmoral

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go betweens, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

Day 30

On last week's episode we saw tribe Hanover prevail in the immunity challenge. Currently there is dissention in tribe Windsor, alliances have been formed and broken. Andrew currently has the Immunity Idol after winning the smiling and waving challenge, which Edward failed.

Edward: "Mummy, my arms are tired".

The Queen is not amused, she rolls her eyes.

The Queen: "I've been doing this for 80 years. Suck it up".

Next challenge: Charles attempts to iron his shirts and squeeze his own toothpaste. Without success.

Charles: "I dare say, this is harder than it looks. Where do you plug the toothpaste in?"

Philip: (already brushing his teeth) "You don't know what hardship is really like do you?"

Exasperated, Charles looks for paper and pen to write a memo to his father.

Charles: "This really isn't fair. How are we supposed to communicate with each other anyways?"

Meanwhile, William and Kate Middleton are having a disagreement....

Kate: "Where's the toilet?"

William: "No, it's called a 'lavatory'. Let's spell that together..L..A..V..."

Kate: "Pardon?"

William: "What?"

Later that day, at Tribal Council, the Queen waits for the remaining members of Tribe Windsor. Philip, Charles, Anne, Andrew, Edward, William, Harry and Kate Middleton, meet at Balmoral to vote off the next contestant.

Kate: (to the Queen) "Pleased to meet you."

Everyone glares at her.

Queen: You have come here today because, once again, your tribe lost the immunity challenge against Hanover, why do you think this happened?

Andrew: "I blame Harry, claiming to be sick anytime there's work to be done"

Edward: "Someone should be tested for drugs...."

Charles: "At least he's doing his time in the military".

Edward: "Mummy, are you going to let him say that to me?"

Harry gets up, fists ready. William goes to restrain him.

Harry: "Look William, there's a cheap blonde at the bar!"

William is distracted and lets Harry go. Harry lunges at Edward. Kate phones her lawyers.

The Queen: "Kate, I'm under the impression that you're not suitable royal bride material..some say you're middle class".

Everyone gasps

Kate: "William doesn't mind...do you William?...William?"

Philip: (Looks over at the bar) "Does he have his hand on her...."

Kate: "That's it!...I can't take this anymore!"

Kate runs off into the night. The remaining contestants look at each other, confused.

The Queen: "I guess the commoner has spoken!"

On next week's episode:

Charles tries to mow the lawn. And Edward draws his own bath.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

Candidates for Prince William's hand

Kate Middleton isn't even cold and already speculation has started on who will be on the commemorative china with him. While having tea in the old mugs, Woolworth's must be gleefully rubbing its hands together. Yes, maybe the next relationship will last!

In August 2005 I posted a list of potential royal brides should things not work out with Kate. At the time, he was dating her so he probably wouldn't have taken this list very seriously. Of course, now that Prince William is single again, he may want to take a closer look. Since the original list the availability has changed somewhat, Christina is married and Britney is divorced, but he still has plenty of choice. Of course, he could choose from a bevy of blonde aristocratic ladies with multi-hyphenated names bigger than their collective IQ's. But why not consider someone different?

Chelsey Davy: She can trade up if she gets tired of Prince Harry

Jennifer Aniston: Take that Brad!

Pamela Anderson: Blonde cougars have more fun

Paris Hilton: Looks good on video and rich enough that he doesn't have to worry about her marrying him for his money.

Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: I still maintain that it would be useful to have a bride with a twin sister. When he wants a change, he could swap them out. But if I were him I'd choose the cleaner looking of the two, Mary-Kate.*

Lindsay Lohan: He'd have someone to party with. But she might drink him under the table.

Princess Madeleine of Sweden: They'd look so good together we'd be jealous of their unborn babies.

Princess Beatrice: [Insert collective ewwww] If he wants to keep it in the same gene pool. At one point royals did marry their first cousins. No, really it's true! Which could explain quite a bit now.

Heather Mills-McCartney: She seems to like them rich and old. Hopefully William does too.

Kylie Minogue: A forerunner on the UK bookmakers list. But could she blow the corgi's out of the room like Christina?

Britney Spears: Well, maybe not a potential bride. But with the head shaving incident he could add her to his list of charities.

Christina Aguilera: She's married at the moment but that'll change. On the plus side, she doesn't have as much baggage as Britney.

Princess Theodora of Greece: If he wants to keep it in the family

There, now Prince William can't complain that he doesn't have any choice. He can thank me with an invitiation to his wedding.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

* I stand corrected. Apparently Ashley is the cleaner looking of the two!