Upcoming Royal Report - A Salute to the Diana Inquest

Sunday April 20th, 2008 - 9:00PM EST. On the next Royal Report: A Salute to the Diana Inquest

I Hate Kate Middleton

It's a sentiment shared by several royal watchers.

What's there to really like about her anyways?

Every public figure has their dissenters. People who will never like them no matter what they say, do, date, don't date, or who they marry. Whether due to envy, jealousy, or just because. Many people simply don't like her.

To each their own.

Is Kate here to stay? Is her mother manipulating the situation? Scheming to get her daughter a golden page in the history books? Quite possibly. Is Kate just biding her time until Prince William realizes she won't leave him alone until he capitulates?

Has William been duped? Brainwashed? Will we ever know? During the engagement interview will we see the sheer terror in his eyes hidden behind the forced smile? A desperate 'rescue me' escapes his pursed lips as Kate tightens the leash she hides in his bespoke suit. Yes this is the stuff which modern day fairy tales are made.

In the sheer jubilation of the Kate supporters will we even care? The 'I hate Kate' contingent will be drowned out by wedding dress speculation. Happily ever after rhetoric will follow. Maybe Kate has duped us all.

Like Diana, Kate inevitably fell from grace. You can only coast on fashionable clothes and glossy hair for so long. When did it start? Was it quitting her job at Jigsaw to pursue photography? Was it her mother and 'Toiletgate'? Was it one too many media harassment complaints? Is she too Sloaney? Has she gone to Boujis too many times?

When news of their break-up was announced, their relationship was dissected - whose fault was it? Most believe William ditched Kate. After all, who would dump royalty? Obviously Kate wasn't good enough. She must have put too much pressure on William. The only one who could have told us was Kate, who, to her credit, didn't sell her story. When their relationship resumed, Kate was still seen as scheming and manipulative. She just can't win.

Maybe Kate is wasting her education. Maybe she did quit her job prematurely and her photography is an amusing foil. Or maybe it is true love. Believe whatever you want. Everyone is entitled to their opinion of her.

The wisest move Kate can make is to not listen to it.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Note: This post is meant to be ironic. For the record, I don't hate Kate. To read more about her, visit The Kate Middleton Report.

Survivor Balmoral - Day 33

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

This week, tribe Windsor merges with tribe Hanover. Joining the Windsor's are Paul Burrell and Prince Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy. The tribe descends into turmoil when Paul Burrell tries to ingratiate himself with Chelsy. The remaining members of tribe Windsor are: Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne, Prince Edward, and Prince Philip. Now that the tribes have merged, a new tribe called Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is formed.

Chelsy is busy sunning herself. Paul Burrell approaches her.

Paul: (to Chelsy) Did you know I used to work for the royal family? I was Diana's rock..the keeper of her...

Chelsy: Are you lying to me?

Paul: Well, I have been known to be naughty. Can I offer you some of my Royal Butler wine? How about a signed copy of one of my books?...

Chelsy: Go away, you're blocking my sun.

Princess Anne faces a new challenge: Opening the door. Princess Anne goes up to the door, looking at it curiously. She takes a few deep breaths, pensive. She is nervous and gives herself a pep talk before her attempt.

Princess Anne: Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door...

Unbeknownst to her, on the other side of the door, Prince Andrew is also facing the challenge of opening the same door.

Prince Andrew (wipes the sweat from his brow): Just turn the handle and open the door. Turn the handle, open the door....

Princess Anne and Prince Andrew (frustrated, in unison): Oh bother!

In another part of the castle, Prince Charles has located the kitchen and is preparing to boil an egg. He holds the chicken aloft over the boiling water.*

Prince Philip: Don't you know that you must wait for the chicken to lay the egg?

Prince Charles (to the chicken): I command you to give me fresh eggs.

Prince Philip: (Takes the chicken from Charles) Here, let me do it!

Philip shakes the chicken up and down. Charles tries to grab the chicken back, but it flutters away and runs for its life.

Meanwhile, Prince Edward is still in the loo trying to draw his own bath. The Queen is outside to door, waiting.

The Queen: Edward, open the door, I have to go to the loo

Prince Edward goes towards the door to open it. He looks confused at the handle. He starts to take some deep breaths.

Prince Edward: Just turn the handle and open the door...turn the handle and open the door...

The door does not open

Prince Edward: Mummy I'm stuck!!!

Later on, at Tribal Council, the Queen gathers tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. Prince Philip has failed the child rearing challenge. Paul Burrell has the immunity idol after winning the bed-making challenge.

The Queen: Where's Edward?

Prince Edward: (runs towards the group, panting and sweaty) Here I am, Mummy!

Prince Philip: (to Edward) You're completely out of shape, didn't the army teach you anything?...oh wait, never mind..

The Queen: Tonight someone must go home. It seems there's some dead weight in the tribe....

Chelsy: (sulky) This is so boring!

Chelsy gets up and grabs her sunscreen.

Chelsy: I'm off to Boujis!

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral, Prince Charles attempts to mop the floor while Prince William cleans up after himself.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

*Note: No chickens were harmed while writing this article.