Someday your prince may come but more than likely you'll have to find him

Keeping a prince can be a difficult job. Finding one in this day and age can be downright impossible. What with the dwindling prospects making drunken fools of themselves on a regular basis. It's tough. Kate Middleton certainly has her work cut out for her, guiding Prince William towards the altar. Here are some steps to help you out should you be interested in the same position.

1) Find a prince. Check out family trees. Go to places he hangs out - polo fields, expensive clubs, or the oldest university in Scotland. While doing so, invest in a copy of the Almanach de Gotha, it could take years to get your copy but once you do you'll see whether you're on the right track.

2) Once you've located your prince. Lure him into your lair by modelling skimpy clothes at a fashion show. Move in before he gets a glazed over look. Worked for Kate.

3) If necessary, quit your job. Forget everything your guidance counsellor told you about becoming royalty. It is possible.

4) Always look your best. Act the part. Anything less and you'll be considered a slacker. Remember that you'll be expected to set trends and look nice without spending any money whatsoever. Better get used to it now.

5) Get the media and your future subjects behind you. This is where tip#4 comes in. Your Prince will lose face in the eyes of his future subjects if he doesn't choose you.

6) Change your name. No one wants a future queen named Trixie, Peaches, or Amy Winehouse. Choose something suitably regal sounding, with an eye towards the name fitting on souvenirs. Catherine is a good choice.

7) While he may be worth millions, and could buy you your hearts desire, accept any love tokens, regardless of how cheap or tacky. He'll think that you appreciate the simple things in life. Especially those made with glue and sawdust.

8) Socialize without him. If you can make it look like you're having a good time in the pages of Hello magazine even better.

9) If you're dating a romantic and dashing prince, make sure your property has enough room to land a helicopter.

10) Be patient. This is the toughest part of all. Playing the waiting game. Some Princes aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. It may take a while for them to make up their minds.

© Marilyn Braun 2007

How Royal is Royal?

I've always dreamt of being a Princess. Not a queen, but a Princess. Princess Marilyn has a rather nice ring to it, don't you think? Rumor has it that Marilyn Monroe was considered to be a candidate to marry Prince Rainier of Monaco. While not making me royal, I would have known there was a Princess Marilyn in the history books. Maybe it could have become my nickname. Alas it was not to be.

Whether truly royal, distantly related, or just delusional, it's not difficult to claim that you're royalty. It's whether people believe you. There are no specific qualifications. You don't have to have a certificate. Just stick the word prince/princess in front of your name, put an obscure sounding country that no one has ever heard of (or is unlikely to look up), set up a really ugly website, slap a coat of arms on it and there you go. If you have a personal motto and can cut and paste a photo of a castle, even better! But who knows, maybe some of these people genuinely are royalty - no offense. It's good to be proud of your heritage, whatever that may be. You can even spend your time putting together family trees that show you're related, but no one outside of your family is likely to care about. Everyone needs a hobby.

When I look at the people on the Wikipedia list for the line of succession to the British throne , there are almost 1400 names. Now yes, Wikipedia is not the be all, end all, but this list is a pretty good start. However I think there comes a point where, if you're not within the first 10 names, a monarch of a ruling house, their children, and some of their grandchildren, you really shouldn't consider yourself to be royal. Just my personal opinion. The Dutch and the Norwegian royal families have a rather good system - they divide it by Royal House and Royal family. Which makes it fairly clear. With each new monarch, part of the family falls off the list, giving academic preference to the direct descendants. Some people may be happy to have this happen - gives some normalcy. Those who stand on ceremony may fight this tooth and nail, somehow ending up in the pages of Majesty or Hello Magazine, when there's a wedding or the christening of a baby.

People who call themselves Prince/Princess or consider themselves royal, dilute the mystique and the meaning of royalty. Royalty has to earn their keep nowadays. Attending party after party at the world's glamorous locations doesn't sound like charity work to me. Some members of the royal family consider it a burden; Prince Harry sometimes wishes he wasn't a prince. Would this pseudo royalty trade places if they knew what was involved?

Depends on how many parties and vacations they'd have to sacrifice.

© Marilyn Braun 2008

Survivor Balmoral - Day 34

Trapped in their home for 39 days with no servants to wait on them, no private secretaries as go between, the royals must communicate directly with each other and make their own beds. Through a series of challenges, each contestant will prove that they are the real Royal Survivor.

On the last episode of Survivor Balmoral, Paul Burrell won the immunity idol for winning the bed making challenge. Prince Philip had a setback after he failed the child rearing challenge. And Prince Edward narrowly escaped being permanently trapped in the loo. On this episode, the very survival of tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is at risk when Princess Anne faces the challenge of cutting a slice of bread.

The Princess carefully approaches the counter. Four knives lay before her - Table, Paring, Bread, and Swiss Army. Along with them a wooden spoon. She picks up one of the implements up eyes the loaf with trepidation.

Prince Edward: I'm hungry

Prince Andrew: Yes, me too

Princess Anne: (turns towards them with the wooden spoon in hand) Stop it or I'll call Mummy.

Both men are silent. One of their stomachs growl audibly. Paul Burrell sits on a chair in the kitchen, chuckling to himself.

Paul: Need some help?

Princess Anne: Go away

Paul: Well, just thought I'd let you know that you can't cut a loaf of bread with a spoon.

Prince Edward: I can't handle this any longer.

Prince Edward grabs the bread off the counter and starts to savagely tear at it with his teeth. Prince Andrew wrestles the bread from him.

Meanwhile, in another part of the castle. Prince Charles sits beside a mop and bucket. He is weeping.

Prince Charles: (to the camera) I didn't realize it would be this hard. I don't even know which end of the mop to use. (He looks at the mop closer). You know, if it weren't for this monstrous carbuncle of fabric, this might be good for walking in the hills.

Prince William calls from another room.

Prince William: Papa!

Prince Charles: What is it Wills?

William, in a heightened state of anxiety, points to a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. Both princes look at the floor with trepidation. Charles takes the stick and pokes at the paper. Inching it closer to the wastebasket.

William: No Papa, this is my challenge.

William bravely bends down on the floor and starts to blow the paper. It slowly moves. Soon he is out of breath. He sits up, tears of frustration roll down his cheeks. Charles hugs William.

Prince Charles: We'll get through this together.

Later on at tribal council, the members of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha tribe arrive tired and exhausted. Prince Edwards stomach rumbles. Paul Burrell sits and smiles smugly.The tribe members glower at him.

The Queen: Do you why you're all here?

Paul Burrell: Yes, it's so disappointing your Majesty. But they've tried so hard, with my help of course. May I offer you a glass of Royal Butler wine?

Prince Philip: (looks at Paul) What is that I hear in the distance? the authorities? I think someones looking for you Paul!

Paul Burrell looks around nervously, gathers his wine, and runs for the hills.

Princess Anne: (exasperated) That's no good, he's the only one who knows how to cut bread. Now what are we going to eat?

The tribe members look at each other. Prince Edward sizes up Prince Andrew, pinching him. Stomachs growl audibly.

On the next episode of Survivor Balmoral the remaining members of tribe Saxe-Coburg-Gotha descend into turmoil over the simplest of tasks.

© Marilyn Braun 2008